


The Long and Winding Road

by asortoflight



Category: Instant Star
Genre: F/M, Fix-It of Sorts, Post-Finale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-17
Updated: 2016-05-17
Packaged: 2018-06-09 01:51:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 23,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6884098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asortoflight/pseuds/asortoflight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"The long and winding road that leads to your door will never disappear. I've seen that road before, it always leads me here, leads me to your door."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

When Tommy’s phone rang, he expected it to be Darius, or maybe Mikala, a girl he’d gone out with several times in the few weeks previous, but when he read the caller’s name, his heart seemed to stop for a moment.

He almost didn’t answer in time. He felt like the wind had been knocked out of him, and his “hello?” sounded breathless.

“Hi. It’s me,” Jude’s voice answered. “Um… I mean, it’s Jude. Hi.”

It had been a year. An entire calendar year since he’d last heard that voice, except in the interviews he tried not to let himself watch over and over. And, of course, he listened to her music. He listened to old stuff, stuff they’d made together, but these days he only pulled that out when he was truly in the mood to wallow. And he’d been doing really well, lately, at not wallowing. But last week she’d released a new album, and a few of the songs had already made their way onto the Most Played playlist on his iTunes. Her voice had been in his head constantly for days. He half-wondered for a second if that was why she’d called, if she’d somehow known, somehow felt, that she’d been on his mind, even though that was ridiculous, of course.

“Tommy?” Jude asked, and it snapped him back to reality.

“Yeah. I’m here, sorry…” He sat down hard on the couch, feeling suddenly like his legs might not continue to hold him. He reached for the half-empty tumbler of bourbon he’d been nursing, and downed it in one gulp before saying, “Jude, wow, uh… it’s been a while.” This was the understatement of the century, he thought. She had broken their engagement, and his heart along with it, from on stage, without any warning, just a kiss on the cheek and then… it was over.

She’d come to his apartment afterwards. He’d been so angry, furious, ready to scream at her, but her big blue eyes had filled with tears at the sight of him and his anger had melted away. He’d let her in and she’d sobbed her apologies, told him over and over that she loved him, she loved him, she’d always love him, but she just couldn’t do this, she couldn’t marry him, move to London with him, she had to do it alone. She was so sorry, so sorry, she loved him so much, and if he could just try to understand, please try to understand why she had to– 

He’d finally cut her off, shushing her gently, pulled her into his arms and kissed her hair. He told her he understood, that it was okay, even though it wasn’t, of course it fucking wasn’t okay, how could it be okay, how could anything ever be okay again when he’d finally gotten her back, finally seen through the bullshit and the drama and realized that she was all he wanted for the rest of his life, the only one to ever make him feel like he could be loved for all of himself, that he could be whole despite the broken pieces of his past, and now she was leaving, leaving him, flying across the ocean and leaving him alone and and broken and nothing would ever be okay again, but… If this was the last time he’d ever get to see her, he couldn’t spend it fighting the inevitable. Because it _was_ inevitable. He’d seen immediately that, despite her tears, despite the fact that she was clearly distraught at the prospect of hurting him, her decision was made. She knew what she wanted, and it wasn’t him. Later on he had replayed the conversation over and over and over in his mind, thought of a million things he should’ve said, a million arguments to make her stay, make her take him with her. He thought of a million questions he should’ve asked, and a million things he should’ve screamed at her, too. But instead he’d just kissed her, tried to convey everything he’d never get to say to her now. That he’d never loved anyone the way he loved her. That she’d saved him. That there would never be anyone else. 

She’d been the one to deepen the kiss, to climb on top of him, pull his shirt over his head, but he’d been the one to pull her up from the couch and lead her to his bedroom. If it was the last night he’d ever get with her, he’d wanted to do it right. He’d tried to memorize her body, the feel of her, the smell of her hair. He’d tried not to let himself cry, and failed. He’d pushed the desperation back, tried to ignore the emptiness that waited beyond that moment, beyond the feeling of her in his arms. He had thought he’d have a lifetime with her, had been naïve enough to believe that, but suddenly his time had run out. Her eyes had been dry by the time removed the ring from her finger and gently placed it in his palm, kissed him on the forehead and said her last goodbye. Her wounds, he’d thought as she shut his front door behind her for good, were starting to heal already, while she was leaving him flayed.

There had been one last glimpse of her. He’d waited in the crowd outside her house to see her off. She had found him in the crowd, somehow, because of course she’d known he’d be there, and her expression when she met his gaze was sad. He’d given her a small smile, the most he could muster, trying to make her believe it was okay. She’d smiled a little in return and gotten in the limo, and afterwards he couldn’t see her through the crowd of fans and reporters. 

That had been the end, the last of any kind of contact between them. Until now. He realized that they’d both been silent for a long time. “Jude?” he asked.

“Yes, I’m here. Sorry.”

A thought occurred to him and he said “Isn’t it pretty late there?”

She gave a little laugh. “It’s just after 2 AM.”

He winced a little at the reminder of the song. He cleared his throat and finally asked “Why did you call, Jude? Why now?”

Her voice was soft, little more than a breath. “Because I can’t stop thinking about you.” He drew in a sharp breath, and she must have heard it because she said “Not like that, I mean…” He heard her sigh. “Okay, maybe a little bit like that. But it’s just… it’s… the album.”

He hadn’t been expecting that. “The album? Your new album?”

“Yeah. Have you… heard any of it?”

The question was so ridiculous he actually let out a laugh. “Of course I have. It’s… It’s really really fantastic, Jude. I’m proud of you.”

“Thank you. That means so much, you have no idea.”

“Did you call to ask for my opinion on the album?” he asked, confused.

“No. I mean, yes, but… No.” They were silent for another moment longer before she said, quietly “I guess maybe I don’t really know why I called. I just wanted to talk? I guess?”

“You just wanted to talk?” he repeated. “Jude, it’s been over a year.”

“I know,” she sighed. “I know, I know. I’ve wanted to call so many times, but I thought… I didn’t really think you’d want to hear from me. After everything.”

“Then why now?” he tried to keep his voice even, though a mix of frustration and grief was welling up in him. He’d thought he was past this, over her, at least somewhat. He didn’t think about her that often anymore, his heart had long since stopped leaping every time the phone rang because he expected it to be her. When he heard a song or a joke or a story his first thought was no longer that he should tell her about it. He’d stopped having dreams about her. But first the album, now this call, and it was all rushing back at full force, all the feelings, all the grief. He needed another drink, badly.

It took her a moment to answer. “I finished an album without you. My first album without you.”

He took a deep breath and let it out slowly as he poured himself another glass. “Yeah, you did.” She’d thanked him, in the liner notes, the final thank you before the obligatory thank you to the fans. She’d written, _To Tommy, for everything you taught me. For holding my hand. For letting me go._ The words, an echo of what she’d said on stage that final day, had felt like daggers in his stomach when he first read them. But at least she _had_ thanked him. He’d started to worry, in the days leading up to the release, that she wouldn’t. That she’d moved on to the point where she wouldn’t even think of him when it came to something like her album acknowledgements. Reading the short thank you was painful, but at least he knew it was heartfelt. At least she still cared.

Jude’s voice sounded choked when she spoke, like maybe she was starting to cry. “I guess I thought that once it was finished I might be able to let you go.”

_She_ was trying to let _him_ go? She’d been the one to leave. “Didn’t you do that already?” he asked before he could stop himself, though he tried to keep the bitterness out of his tone.

Jude sighed. After a moment she quietly asked “Do you hate me?”

She definitely sounded like she was crying now, and his anger softened. “No, girl. Of course not.”

“Really?”

He laughed a little. “Really. When you left…” He took a deep breath and let it out in a sigh. “Maybe at first I wanted to hate you, a little. But I don’t, I never did. I couldn’t ever… The thing is that I get it, why you left. I understand. In the end it came down to the one thing I was always trying to make myself forget.”

When he didn’t continue for a while, Jude softly said “I don’t know what you mean.”

“You are very young,” he said with another sigh.

“I’m not a child,” she objected. It was her old objection, said as fiercely as ever.

“I didn’t say you were,” he assured her. “But you weren’t even 19. I let myself forget that, I forced myself to think it didn’t matter. But it did. It does. So I get it. And I know it’s what you were trying to tell me, that day. Even before the concert, before–”

“Tommy, I didn’t know. I didn’t or I would’ve talked to you first. I would never have done it like that except–”

“I backed you into a corner with the song, telling you that you should go out and tell everyone about us. I know. But I meant earlier than that. We had a fight, do you remember?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“That’s what did it, right? I asked you what you really wanted?”

“Tommy…”

“It’s okay,” he reassured her. “I just didn’t see it then, even though I should have. When we talked about London, we were having two completely different conversations. We were in different places in our lives, we wanted different things. I should’ve recognized that. I was just so blinded by…” he cut off, shaking his head, even though she couldn’t see. He couldn’t finish that sentence. It would be crossing a line, talking about how he’d loved her.

But she knew, of course. “I loved you too, Tommy.” The words sent a spike of pain through him, but he took a deep breath and fought it back. She continued “I wanted that, what you wanted, I wanted to be with you, I wanted to… But I just–”

“I know,” he cut her off. “You don’t have to explain. I never wanted to hold you back, Jude. You deserved the chance to figure it out on your own or whatever. I get it.”

“I was just so dependent on you, Tommy, I needed to get away from that, but the last thing I wanted was to hurt you.”

Her apologies were starting to frustrate him. This wasn’t anything new, it was like their last conversation all over again. “It’s been a _year,_ Harrison. I got past it a long time ago. I’m an adult, okay? I can handle a breakup. I haven’t been sitting around waiting for another apology.” He tried to keep the irritation from his voice, but didn’t succeed, and he snapped the last part. “Is that why you called? I can’t give you closure on this, Jude. _You_ left _me._ ”

“You’re right,” she said, and her voice sounded choked again. “I’m sorry, I should’ve just left you alone. It won’t happen again.”

“Wait,” he said quickly. “Jude, wait. Don’t hang up. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get mad, it’s just that this isn’t stuff I really want to spend a lot of time remembering, you know?”

“I’m sorry,” she sighed. “I just… Ever since I finished the album, it’s been like…” she trailed off. “Forget it.” she said softly. “Forget it, it doesn’t matter. I’m sorry.”

He spoke softly. “No, tell me.”

“I guess… I don’t know if you could tell or not, but so much of my album was… about you.”

“Oh?” he feigned surprise. He had suspected, of course. He’d listened to her lyrics over and over and wondered if what he thought they meant was accurate, or if it was just wishful thinking that he was still on her mind. He didn’t feel like he could trust that he really knew her anymore.

“You really didn’t know? You really couldn’t tell?”

He was silent for a moment, then admitted “I guess I knew. Listening to the album this week, it’s kind of… brought back up some stuff I thought I’d gotten past.”

“That’s the thing. Those songs were supposed to be my way of working through it all, of letting it go. But I finished it weeks ago and still I… I miss you.” Her last few words were a whisper. “I miss you so much.”

His heart clenched. “Jude you can’t say that.”

“I know. I know, I know, but it’s been a year and an album and a new country and it’s 2 AM and I miss you.” She let out a little sob. “Tommy…” 

He squeezed his eyes shut, took a big gulp of the bourbon, then said “Tell me about London.” He tried to sound as casual as possible, like there wasn’t a fist squeezing his heart. “How are you doing?”

“Oh, um…” She seemed surprised, but she sniffled and answered. “London’s… good. The music scene here is incredible, for one thing. I’ve seen so many amazing shows.”

“And Bermondsey? They treating you well?”

“Yeah. I have a lot more control over my music than I did at G Major, I guess.”

“And you produced this album all on your own?”

“Yeah.” She sounded brighter now, he could hear the smile in her voice. “I had a couple of really great engineers too, but the final say was all mine.”

“Well, you did a great job. It’s incredible, your album. Seriously, girl, you blew me away. I’m so proud of you.”

“You know I couldn’t have done it without everything you taught me. I owe you a lot.” When he was silent for a long moment, his throat starting to feel like it was closing up again, Jude asked, “What about you? How are you?”

“I’m…fine. Uh… producing. G Major. Same stuff.”

“Mikala Sterling?” Jude asked quietly.

He sighed. “You’ve been reading tabloids, I see.”

“Not really, but… I may have googled you. A few times.” She sounded sheepish. After a pause she asked “Is it serious? You and her? You always did like your super models.”

“Jude, don’t,” he scolded. “Besides, that’s really–”

“None of my business, I know. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything.”

He waited another long moment before saying quietly. “No. It’s not serious. Mikala’s great, but she’s…” _she’s not you._ “Anyway, no. I’ve never been good at serious. You know that.” He couldn’t really believe they were having this conversation. He downed the rest of his glass and poured himself another. He wanted to say _but what about you?_ Every time he saw a headline of a tabloid in a store, every time his self control slipped and he googled her, she was apparently rumored to be romantically involved with yet another London musician or actor or producer. But he didn’t ask, because he was pretty sure he didn’t want to know the answer.

“I’m sorry,” she said softly, and he wasn’t sure what exactly she was apologizing for. The awkward silence stretched on even longer this time until Jude broke it. “How is work? How’s everything at G Major?”

“Uh… The same, I guess. Karma’s album is set to be finished in a couple months, so I’ve been working a lot for that. Milo’s is done a month or so after, so the next few months will be kind of intense.”

“You’re still working with Milo?”

He sighed. “Yeah.”

“Fun.” Jude said sarcastically.

Tommy gave a short laugh. “Yeah, loads.”

“I take it he’s still a huge jackass?” He could hear the smile in her voice.

“On a good day he’s just intolerable.”

“I mean, he’s pretty talented, you have to admit that.”

“Do I, though?”Tommy asked skeptically, and Jude laughed, full and loud. The sound made his chest ache.

“So Milo and Karma?” she asked. “That’s your job now? How have you not gone completely insane?”

“Hey, I handled having you as an artist for years, didn’t I?” he teased her.

“Oh, shut up, I was your favorite and you know it,” she shot back with another laugh.

He smiled. “You were a pain in the ass, Harrison.”

“Okay, fine. But I was worth it.” 

She was still joking, but he felt another pang of sadness at her words and his smile fell. All he could bring himself to say was a soft “yeah.”

Jude either didn’t notice his tone, or made a point to ignore it. “But seriously, I’d go crazy with those two.”

He cleared his throat and said “Well, I have a couple new artists too. I’m working with a pretty cool band called The New West. Young guys, high school age. They remind me a little of SME, actually, when we first started working with them. Their music’s a lot different, but that feel of, you know, raw talent that just needs polishing.”

“I guess you’re kind of an expert at that.” Her tone was light, but knew she was referring to herself, and the knot in his stomach tightened again. When he didn’t respond, she said, sounding more serious, “You’ve been working a lot, huh?”

“Yeah, I guess. The music… it’s always there, you know?” It slipped out without him meaning to say it, crossing another line, getting too real with her again. He was starting to feel the effects of the alcohol.

“When it hits you…” Jude quoted quietly.

“You feel no pain,” he finished the lyric. “Yeah, something like that.”

“Are you happy, Tommy?” she asked tentatively, sounding very sad.

The question caught him off-guard. “I’m fine,” he answered quickly.

“That’s not what I asked,” she said with a sigh.

“I’m fine,” he repeated, firmly. “What about you? Are you happy? Did you find what you were looking for?” He felt another twinge of bitterness, but kept it out of his voice.

“Honestly? I don’t know. I feel like… ever since I got the offer to move to London everything has been moving at like, warp speed. I thought things would slow down once I got here, got into a routine, but my life here is so crazy. The music is the music, and that’s been good, but everything else is just really intense, all the time. The lifestyle, you know?”

“Yeah, I do know. I’ve been there.”

“It’s a lot of fun, it really is. The parties, meeting a ton of new people, working on music… And the album is doing so well. They’re talking about a world tour… It’s what I wanted. I got what I wanted. But it’s also… I don’t know.”

“Lonely?” he suggested softly. He remembered the way he felt at the height of the Boyz Attack fame. Like he was on top of the world, but at the same time so separate from it. Because of his childhood, he’d always been a solitary person, independent to a fault, but the fame had put yet another wall between him and everyone else. Jude had been the first person he’d truly let in past those walls in years and years.

“Maybe. It’s more like everything is spinning so fast all the time that I can’t figure out how to put down any kind of roots. I have no foundation anymore. This is great, for now, for the most part. But sometimes when everything is quiet, when it’s 2 AM and I can’t sleep, I just think about how I can’t do this forever. When I left I didn’t want an anchor. I didn’t want anything holding me back, holding me down. I didn’t want to be normal or stay grounded or any of that anymore.” He tried to ignore the daggers in his chest, tried to pretend she wasn’t referring specifically to him, practically quoting the things he’d said to her when he proposed. His throat tightened anyway as Jude continued. “I still don’t. This is what I wanted, what I _want_. It is. I _am_ happy. But it’s exhausting, living the rock star life, never having roots. I’m not sure I can do it forever. Sometimes I wish…” her voice sounded tight, and she cleared her throat. “I wish I had something to come home to. Someone.” She added the last word in a whisper. “It’s not what I wanted, and it’s not like I’m ready to settle down, but sometimes I wish… I don’t know.”

They were silent for a long time, until he said, softly, “I’m not waiting for you.”

“I would never ask you to.”

He took a deep breath and let it out in a long sigh. “Jude…” He shut his eyes and whispered, “I think part of me is waiting for you.”

He heard her start to cry again. When she spoke, her voice was a whisper too. “I still love you.”

The words sent a jolt through him, followed by a hollow ache. “You’re still too young, you’re still in London, we still want different things. You still left me.” _You still broke my heart,_ he thinks but doesn’t say, _and now you’re doing it all over again._

They fell silent again, for what seemed like an eternity, until Jude said “Where does this leave us?”

“Exactly where we were before. Nothing has changed.” He said it with a conviction he didn’t really feel.

“I miss you,” she said with a little sob. “That’s selfish, I know, but I–”

“Then tell me you want me there,” he cut her off. “Tell me you want to be with me, tell me to come to London and I can be on the next flight out of here.” Her silence was the answer he expected. “I thought so.”

“It’s not that I don’t want that.” she insisted with another sob. “Please don’t misunderstand me, I–”

“Nothing has changed.” he said again, firmly.

He heard her take a shaky breath. “I really shouldn’t have called, right?”

“It’s okay.” he said, more gently, after a long pause. He found with some surprise that he meant it, despite all the old wounds the conversation had reopened. “It was… good to hear your voice again.”

“I never wanted to hurt you.”

“Please stop saying that.” He sighed. “I don’t want you to apologize anymore, okay? Our timing was always shit. It’s not your fault.”

Suddenly she said “I think there’s going to be a tour.”

The subject change was abrupt and it caught him off-guard. “Um… okay.”

“It’s not a sure thing, it’ll depend on the album, if it keeps doing well over the next few weeks, but they’re talking world tour. Big. Huge, actually.”

“That’s great. Uh, congratulations.”

“Well, it means that I’ll come to Toronto.”

“Ah,” he said, understanding.

“If I do… Can I see you? Will you come to a show? Come backstage, maybe? Maybe we could hang out? I want to see you. If that would be too much, I understand, but it would mean a lot.”

It _would_ be too much, he thought, almost definitely. Even just seeing her perform again would be intense, and being in the same room as her again… The aftermath of this phone call was going to hurt like hell as it was. But he said “Of course. I wouldn’t miss the chance to see you perform, you know that.”

“Can I call you again, some time?”

He took a deep breath and let it out in a sigh. “I don’t think that would be a good idea.”

“Oh.” Her voice was small.

“Look, Jude, I understand why you left, and I’m not angry, but I just can’t let you back in again. It…” he sighed, and said softly, “it hurts, okay? I wish we could be friends, I really do, but I _can’t_ , alright?”

“I understand. I’m sorry.”

“Take care of yourself, okay?”

She snapped, “I’m fine, Tommy, I’m a big girl.”

He had been planning to say something about the lifestyle, how it could be toxic, that he’d been there and he just wanted to warn her to be careful. But clearly she didn’t want to hear it, and it wasn’t his place to give her advice anymore, so he just sighed again and said, “Fine. Bye Jude.”

“Tommy–” she started to say something, but he’d already hung up.


	2. Chapter 2

“Jesus, they really love you here don’t they?” Jude’s guitarist, Neil, laughed as they walked through the back stage doors to the green room after her third encore.

“What can I say?” Jude grinned, taking a drink from the water bottle in her hand. “I am just that good.”

“The energy out there was fucking insane!” the drummer, Cassie, whooped as she came through the door, holding up her sticks for Jude to see. The tip of one was broken off. “This is the fourth one I broke tonight!”

“Well, you killed it, as usual,” Jude said, holding up a hand for Cassie to high-five.

“You know it!” Cassie smacked Jude’s hand. “Great show, babes,” she said, pointing at Jude and Neil before walking toward the dressing room.

“Miss Harrison?” a voice came from behind her and she turned to see one of the assistant stage managers with her clipboard and her headset. “They wanted me to let you know that VIPs are starting to line up whenever you’re ready.”

“Okay, thanks.” Jude said with a smile, feeling guilty about having to repress an instinctive grimace. She usually tried very hard to be grateful for the fame, for the number of people willing to pay what she was sure was a small fortune just for a chance to talk to her back stage for 30 seconds and take a few pictures. The fans were sweet, for the most part, and security had been really good throughout the tour about keeping the creepers at bay. Her irritation wasn’t really about the fans, tonight, it was something else that had been bothering her. Tonight was her final performance in Toronto, and she had yet to hear anything at all from Tommy. 

She’d respected his wishes and hadn’t called him again since that painful late-night mistake of a phone call almost four months ago, but as soon as she’d found out her Toronto tour dates, she’d wrangled VIP passes to each of the three performances and sent them to Tommy along with a note that read _“I understand if you don’t want to, but it would mean a lot if you came. I’ll be staying with Sadie, please feel free to come by. I’d love to see you. Let me know. You have my number. –Jude”_

She’d felt sure that he’d at least text her at some point, but there had been nothing. She’d begged her sister to ask him about it, but Sadie, who was an advocate for clean breaks, had refused. Jude had even planned a visit to G Major during her small bit of free time, but though it had been nice to see the place again, and great to see some of her old friends (even Karma and Darius), Tommy, ultimately the true reason for the visit, wasn’t even at work. When she’d asked Darius, as casually as she could, where Tommy was, she found out that it was his day off. She’d texted him that she’d stopped by the studio and that she was sorry she’d missed him, and he’d texted back “my day off sorry”. The reply had been curt enough to sting a little, but at least it was something. She’d texted back “another time before i leave?” but he’d replied with an infuriating “maybe” and replying to him again had felt futile.

Every show in Toronto, Jude’s eyes had searched the crowd for Tommy, though she knew it was hopeless. Even if the lights hadn’t been blinding, she wouldn’t have been able to pick him out of the sea of faces.

“Harrison, look alive.” Neil prompted, snapping his fingers a couple times in front of her face, and Jude realized she’d been staring off into space. “The sooner you start signing those autographs, the sooner we’re out of here. Get to it, eh?”

Jude gave her head a little shake to clear it. “Yeah. Sorry, I’m on it.”

She was halfway through the line of the thirty-some VIP pass-holders when she looked up and saw Tommy leaning against a wall at the back of the queue. Her heart felt like it stopped for a second, and she dropped the sharpie she was holding. One of the eager young girls in front of Jude picked it up and said excitedly, “Jude! Jude, here! You dropped this!” while holding it out to her. 

Jude smiled at her distractedly and took the marker. “Thanks, sweetie. I, uh, I’m gonna be right back, okay? Just a second.” Tommy had been looking down at the ground when she’d first caught sight of him, but he looked up as she made her way to him, ignoring the fans’ confused murmuring. He gave her a crooked smile and her heart squeezed again. “You came,” she breathed quietly when she reached him.

“Of course.” He smiled, and the sound of his voice flooded her with warmth. “You were amazing.”

“I, uh, I’m kind of…” she gestured at the line of fans.

“No, I get it,” he said quickly. “Don’t neglect your fans on my account. I’ll wait, go ahead.”

“Okay. Thank you so much for coming, Tommy.”

“Of course,” he said again.

Jude went back to the front of the line and did her best not to rush through the rest of the fans. She could feel Tommy’s eyes on her, though he was all the way down at the end of the long hallway, and she knew he’d be disappointed in her if she short-changed any of the people here, all so eager to meet her. Finally the last two fans in line, primary school-aged sisters that reminded Jude faintly of herself and Sadie, took their pictures and were ushered out. Jude looked up to see Tommy walking towards her. He had ducked under one of the ropes defining the line, and one of the security guards moved to stop him. “No, no, it’s fine, he’s a friend of mine.” Jude said quickly, and the guard nodded at her and stepped back.

“So, how about an autograph?” Tommy joked as he reached her.

She held up her sharpie. “Sure thing,” she said, too flirtatiously, looking him up and down. He looked good. _Really_ good. Her skin prickled a little and her tongue flicked out to wet her lips, her mouth suddenly very dry. “I’ll sign anywhere you want.” She’d meant it as a joke, but her voice came out huskier than she meant it. It was too far, she knew, as she saw him tense a little. “Sorry,” she apologized with a sigh, “that came out weird. I guess I’m nervous.”

“No worries. This is weird for me too.” He smiled again and said, “But you look great, Jude. And you sounded amazing.”

“You really think so?” she asked. “Did you like the new stuff, hearing it live?”

“I loved it, girl. More than loved it. I mean it, your sound… It was all incredible. You’ve come a long way. I’m really proud of you.”

She felt herself flushing a little at the compliment, and she felt a little surge of happiness when he called her ‘girl’. “Thanks, Tommy.” There was a pause, then, and she shifted, uncomfortable, before quietly saying, “I wasn’t sure you were coming. I was starting think you weren’t going to.”

Tommy sighed. “I’m sorry, I should’ve let you know, this week has just been crazy, and I wasn’t sure if I’d, uh, have the time, so…” 

Jude could tell that was a lie, and she felt a pang of sadness. She pushed it away quickly and smiled again. “Well, you came, that’s what–”

“Oi, Harrison, what’s the hold up?” came Neil’s voice from behind her. Jude turned to see him coming out of the dressing room. “Clock’s tickin', love,” he said as he walked up to her. “You still haven’t told me where we’re going tonight.”

“Oi, jackass, I’m talking to someone.” Jude scolded.

Neil reached them and looked at Tommy in surprise. “Oh, sorry.”

Jude rolled her eyes and said “Tommy, this is Neil Martell, my guitarist. Neil, this is–”

“Tom Quincy.” Neil finished. “Pleasure.”

Neil held out his hand, and Tommy shook it, saying, “Yeah, nice to meet you. Great show.”

Neil beamed. “Thanks, we try.” He turned back to Jude and said “I’m serious, Jude, day off tomorrow, no performances, no travel ’til late, we have to go big tonight. And you’re the Toronto native, so you say where. I’m not spending another night trying to have fun in a damn hotel bar, you hear me? That’s fine in fucking Moose Head wherever, but Toronto’s a real city, and you’re gonna find me somewhere fun.”

Jude shifted uncomfortably, glancing sideways at Tommy. “Neil, I don’t want to go big, okay? Besides, I may be from the city, but that doesn’t mean I know bars–”

“Clubs.” Neil corrected, gesturing to his face. “This is club eyeliner.”

Jude rolled her eyes again. “Either way, I left for London when I was still underage here, remember?”

“Never heard of fake IDs?”

She grimaced. “The only time I ever used one, I got arrested.” Neil laughed loudly and Jude shook her head, “And you really don’t want to go to The Chain, trust me.”

“Oh, come on, you find the best places in London, you expect me to believe you don’t know _anywhere_ in your hometown?”

She glanced uncomfortably at Tommy again, who was watching her with an expression she couldn’t quite read, his eyebrows slightly raised. “Just drop it, Neil, I’m not in the mood.”

“Ha!” Neil laughed again. “Good one. Jude Harrison not in the mood to party. Very funny.”

“Neil, I’m serious, drop it. I don’t want to go out.”

“Please.” Neil scoffed, still seemingly believing she was joking. “You’re always down to go out.” To her horror, he turned to grin at Tommy. “You know what I’m talking about.” He looked back at Jude with a knowing smile. “He knows what I’m talking about. Harrison goes harder than anyone.”

Tommy’s eyebrows shot up higher and Jude wanted to strangle her guitarist. “Jesus, Neil, let it go! I don’t know any clubs, okay?” she hissed at him.

“I can help you out.” Tommy said casually, and Jude turned to him in surprise. “Club scene in Toronto is decent, depends on what you’re looking for.”

Neil’s eyes lit up as he and Tommy started talking about nightclubs. Jude wished the ground would open up and swallow her whole. When they’d agreed on one of Tommy’s recommendations, Neil took the sharpie from Jude’s hand and wrote the name and address on his palm. “I like this guy!” Neil exclaimed to Jude. “I like you!” he reiterated, pointing to Tommy.

Tommy laughed. “Uh, thanks. Glad to help, I guess.”

“You’re coming out with us, right?” Neil asked Tommy, then turned to Jude. “He’s coming out with us.”

Jude tried to shoot Neil a look that would make him realize he needed to shut up, but he was, as usual, oblivious. Tommy laughed again, a little uncomfortably. “I, uh, I don’t think I can, but thanks.”

“Ah, come on.”

“No, I really can’t, man.”

“Come off it! You can’t miss out on an opportunity to party with–”

“Neil!” Jude said sharply, cutting him off. “Drop it!”

Neil looked at her in surprise, like he was realizing for the first time that she was legitimately irritated with him. “Sorry,” he apologized to Tommy. “No pressure. But if you’re ever in London we’ll show you a good time, guaranteed.”

“I’ll, uh… keep it in mind.”

“Good.” Neil turned to Jude. “I’m giving you fifteen minutes, Harrison.”

She started to protest again that she didn’t want to go out, but he was already walking back down the hallway. She gave an exasperated sigh and turned back to Tommy, who was looking at her with raised eyebrows. She gave him a pained look. “Sorry about Neil.”

Tommy laughed. “I’m gonna have to call Chaz and tell him I met the British version of him circa 1996.”

“Neil’s a good guy, honestly, he’s an awesome guitarist, he’s usually really professional… He’s just a little intense sometimes about clubs and that whole scene. He’s kind of… wild, I guess.”

Tommy just gave a “hmm” and continued to watch her like he was studying her. _Just say it_ , she thought. As if he’d read her mind, Tommy softly quoted “‘Harrison goes harder than anyone’, eh?”

“He’s exaggerating,” she muttered, embarrassed. “I really don’t party that much.”

“Jude, it’s fine, I get it, trust me. It’s that superstar lifestyle. I know better than anyone. No judgement, I promise.” But there was a crease between his eyebrows.

Jude was about to say something in response when a woman’s voice came from the end of the hall. “There you are!”

Jude and Tommy both turned to see a tall brunette woman walking down the hall towards them. Jude caught Tommy’s fleeting look of panic before he composed his expression and said “Hey, sorry,” to the woman. That’s when Jude recognized her, and her heart sank to her feet.

“It’s just that when you said you were going to come backstage to say hi I wasn’t expecting it to take 45 minutes,” she said when she reached Tommy. She rested an arm on his shoulder, looking a bit like she was draping herself over him, and turned to Jude, stretching out a hand. “Hi, I’m–”

“Mikala Sterling.” Jude finished, her throat suddenly tight. “Sure, hi.” They shook hands.

Mikala looked between Tommy and Jude and laughed lightly. “Perfect place to bring your girlfriend, eh? An ex-girlfriend’s concert? Tom sure knows how to show a girl a good time.” Jude felt a jolt of pain in her stomach at the word “girlfriend.”

Tommy tensed. “Mikala,” he said in a low voice, “don’t.”

“I’m kidding!” Mikala gave another light laugh and brushed Tommy’s cheek lightly with the backs of her long fingers. “You know I’m kidding.” She turned back to Jude. “Really, it was a great show. I really enjoyed it. I see what Tom means when he talks about how talented you are.”

Jude saw Tommy wince. “Thanks,” she said politely, “that’s nice of you to say.” Her head was spinning a little at the idea that Tommy talked about her to his girlfriend. God, his _girlfriend_. She felt sick.

Mikala turned back to Tommy. “Baby, I don’t mean to rush you, really, but I have a shoot obscenely early in the morning tomorrow, so I really need to get home.”

“Uh… Right yeah, can you just give me like ten minutes? I’ll meet you at the entrance we came in?”

Mikala shot Jude a quick glance, but smiled at Tommy. “Sure thing. Take your time.” She put her hands on either side of his face and leaned in to kiss him on the lips. Jude felt the knife in her stomach twist and looked away. “Nice to meet you, Jude.” Mikala said pleasantly. 

Jude looked up again quickly and forced a smile. “Yeah, nice to meet you, thanks for coming.” Mikala gave a little wave and turned back down the hallway, her heels clicking. When the door closed behind her, Jude let out a soft “oh.”

“I’m sorry.” Tommy said, looking pained. “I should’ve told you I was here with someone.”

“With your girlfriend, apparently.”

Tommy winced. “We haven’t actually had that conversation. She just… I don’t know where that came from.”

“You’re exclusive?” she asked, trying to keep her tone casual.

He hesitated. “We… haven’t really talked about that either. Jude, I–”

“No,” she cut him off “it’s fine, it’s none of my business. She seems… nice.” Jude’s voice came out higher than she wanted it to be. “She’s very pretty.”

He sighed. “Jude…”

“It’s okay!” she insisted, her voice practically a squeak at the end. She cleared her throat and said, “It sounded like she wanted you to take her home, I don’t want to get you in trouble. Besides, Neil’s gonna be pissed when I take too long to change, so I should go anyway. It was good to see you. Thanks again for coming.”

Tommy looked for a second like he was going to protest, but then he just nodded said “It was good to see you too. And seriously, the show was amazing.”

“Thanks.” She smiled. “Bye, Tommy.” She hesitated for a second, then stepped forward and wrapped her arms around his neck. He slipped his arms around her waist and hugged her back. Somehow, after all this time, he smelled the same as she remembered. God, she’d missed that smell. It flooded her with memories of the studio, of writing with him, of waking up in his bed with his arms around her. She resisted the urge to bury her face in his neck, and instead forced herself to pull back when it had been too long.

“Jude…” he said softly. His gaze was intense, dark and sad and almost longing. He reached up a hand as if to touch her face, then pulled it back at the last minute and stepped back, pulling away fully and dropping his arms to his sides. He cleared his throat. “It was good to see you. Uh… take care.”

“Sure. You too.” She smiled as brightly as she could, and he gave her one last long look before nodding and turning away.


	3. Chapter 3

“Oh, you should’ve seen him though.” Neil was saying, shouting a little to be heard over the music. “I mean, I was never really into that whole boyband thing, but this guy has aged like some kind of fine wine, I swear.”

“Shut up, Neil.” Jude rolled her eyes, but she couldn’t really muster her previous irritation with him as the effects of the drug started to kick in.

“Don’t pretend you don’t want a piece of that, Miss Harrison. I saw the way you were looking at him.”

“For your information, I have _had_ a piece of that, Mr. Martell. I had the whole damn thing. And I left it behind to move to London and hang out with you jerks.” she gestured around the half-circle at her bandmates.

“What fun is a breakup without a little backslide?” Neil teased. 

Jude rolled her eyes again. “He’s seeing someone, Neil. A fucking supermodel, okay? I met her today. No pieces for me.”

“What, like _you’re_ seeing someone?” her bassist, Dan, asked wryly. “Doesn’t stop you.”

She turned to him. “I resent that, Daniel!” she protested. “For the last time, Lucas and I talked about this before I left. He gets it. We’re not exclusive.” She turned out towards the crowd and called out “First rule of the road, baby!”

When she looked back at Dan, he was rolling his eyes, looking disgusted. “That ‘first rule of the road’ thing is stupid and you know it.”

She shook her head. “Okay, just because you’re getting married next week and you and Heather are the fucking perfect couple, it does not mean the rest of us want to be tied down. I mean, that’s great for you guys and everything, but no thank you.”

“I second that.” Cassie said in agreement, raising her glass. “No attachments is the only way to go. It would be very selfish to deny everyone all of this.” She gestured up and down her body. “Speaking of which, I’ve got to leverage every last bit of this accent” she pointed to her mouth “before we leave North America. Cheerio, mates.” She downed the rest of the liquid in her glass and set it down, winked, and walked off in the direction of the dance floor.

“You know, I bet Jude wouldn’t mind being tied down if it was by Little Tommy Q. Or maybe just tied up.” Neil leered at her.

“For your information,” Jude retorted, “you’ve got that backwards. _I_ was the one who did the tying up.” She smirked as Dan and Neil laughed loudly, though she also felt a twinge of guilt for making light of her relationship with Tommy, like it was just some fling that didn’t matter, like he was just a guy she’d hooked up with back in the day. Like he hadn’t been the love of her life. “Hey, I’m gonna go get a water,” she called over the music to her remaining bandmates. “Dan, I’ll be back to help you fight off the ladies in a minute. I assume by that point Neil’s already gonna have some guy’s cock in his mouth.”

Neil laughed. “You’re fucking disgusting!”

“Not my fault you’re such a slut!” Jude called as she turned, smiling at the sound of their laughter behind her as she headed toward the bar.

“Can I get a bottle of water?”

Tommy’s head shot up at the sound of Jude’s voice. He’d just been chastising himself for how fucking stupid it had been to come here. He’d driven Mikala home and had honestly intended to just go straight back to his apartment, but the club he’d recommended to Neil was on the way, more or less, and he’d found himself unable to resist. It was like she was a drug. He’d thought he’d kicked the habit, but one taste over a year later and he was instantly back to being desperate for a hit. When he’d arrived at the club, he’d found a predictably packed room with no hope of finding Jude, if she’d even come at all. He thought her insistence that she didn’t want to go out had been solely for his benefit, but he couldn’t be sure. Maybe she wasn’t here at all. He should have left then, probably, but instead he’d sat down at the bar and ordered a drink, then another. He’d been kicking himself for doing it, since now he couldn’t drive home, and he had also started to feel very old sitting at the bar with his scotch while surrounded by girls in mini-skirts doing shots. 

And then he looked up and saw Jude. At least, he thought it was her. He could’ve sworn he’d recognized her voice, but the girl standing in front of him had short, black hair. He was starting to think he’d just imagined it, (how pathetic could he get?) when the bartender handed the girl a bottle of water and she turned. It _was_ Jude, he saw, but wearing a wig he guessed must be for hiding from paparazzi. She froze as her gaze fell on him, and her eyes widened. 

“Tommy?” she asked, shouting to be heard and taking a few steps closer to him. “Hey!” she cried when she saw that it was really him. “What are you doing here?”

“I, uh, I came to find you, actually.”

Jude’s face broke into a radiant smile. “That’s awesome! I’m so glad you did!” She stepped even closer, so she was standing right in front of the barstool he was sitting on, and reached out to grab his hand. “Wanna dance?”

Tommy frowned slightly as he looked at her. Her cheeks were flushed, her eyes bright, and she was standing very close to him, much closer than she had at the concert venue. “How much have you had to drink?” he asked.

“Like, alcohol?” she looked surprised. “None.” She leaned in closer, putting a hand on his shoulder. “Come on, come dance with me.” She trailed her fingers down the length of his arm, and the sensation made shivers run up and down his spine.

He reached out and grabbed her chin between his thumb and forefinger, gently tilting her face towards the light so he could see her eyes better. Her pupils were dilated, even more than he’d have expected in the fairly dark club, and her skin under his fingers was hot. “What are you on?” he asked. Jude pulled away and rolled her eyes, opening the water bottle in her hand and taking a long drink from it. “Coke?” he guessed.

“What? No.” she turned back to him and closed the bottle, setting it on the bar. “No, I don’t do coke. That shit makes me crazy.” His frown deepened and she laughed. “Forget it! What does it matter? Tommy, I’m serious, dance with me.” She leaned in close to his ear. “You know you want to, Quincy.”

He did his best to ignore his body’s reaction to the sensation of her breath on his ear and her upper body pressed along his arm, and pulled back to look at her. He made another guess. “Ecstasy?” She sighed, pulling away. “Ah,” he said. “Well, that explains a lot.”

“Why do you care?” she asked, frowning. “What, do you want some?”

He shook his head with a laugh. “No, I’m good, trust me.”

“Then you’re judging me.” She looked hurt. “Little Tommy Q, of all people, is judging _me_ for a little bit of X? It’s not like I do it all the time, God! This is the first time in like a month! Neil wanted to go big, I didn’t even know you’d be here! You said you weren’t coming!”

“No, Jude,” he insisted quickly, “I’m not judging you.” She raised her eyebrows at him, looking skeptical and he sighed. “I promise. No judgement, I was just surprised. The Jude I knew… I don’t think I ever even really saw you drunk. This is just different, that’s all.”

She looked at him for a long moment, then leaned in again and said, close to his ear, “Maybe I’m not the Jude you knew.” He could smell her hair, Sadie’s lavender shampoo, and it made him feel dizzy. She pulled her face back from his ear, but stepped so she was standing right in front of him, standing in between his legs where he sat on the stool. She put her hands on his sides and gently pulled him towards her, her fingers digging in to his back. “Dance with me,” she said again. 

Her face was close to his as she looked into his eyes. If he tilted his head down an inch he could have kissed her. He hesitated a long moment, the warmth radiating from her making his skin prickle, then said “Fine, Harrison, you win.” She beamed as he downed the rest of his drink and let her pull him into the throng of bodies on the dance floor.

Jude turned her back to him as they danced, pressing herself against him and moving her hips to the rhythm of the music. She grabbed his hands and put them on her hips, and he could feel her body through the fabric of her short dress. She was thinner than he remembered, her hipbones sharp under his hands, and it concerned him for a fleeting second before the pounding music and the feel of her drove every other thought from his mind. It took him less than the course of one song before he was fully hard, and he could tell she knew it by the way she rubbed against him. “Stop,” he panted in her ear. “Jesus christ, Jude.” But she either couldn’t hear him over the music, or she didn’t care. She put her hands over his and moved them slowly up and down her body, lifting the hem of her dress each time. She had been right about one thing. This was not his Jude. Even when they were together, even after they’d been together for months, she had never been this forward, this forceful. He found himself angling his hips against her ass, pressing her closer, trying desperately to increase the friction. He moaned in her ear and she laughed, throwing her head back and exposing her neck. He longed to kiss her there, to taste her skin, but a voice in his head was screaming _what are you doing?_ and finally he got control of himself and pushed her away from him. She turned, looking surprised, and he held up his hands and shook his head at her, saying “we can’t do this.” He turned and pushed back through the crowd, walking to the bar on shaky legs. He sat back down at the bar and put his head in his hands, breathing hard and trying to will his body to calm down. Her hands were on his shoulders in a manner of seconds and he groaned, turning to look at her.

“What is it? Why did you stop?” she asked, looking concerned.

“We can’t do this,” he repeated firmly.

“We were just dancing!” she protested.

He laughed out loud at that. The sound was bitter. “That was not just dancing, Jude. Jesus, you have got to be kidding me. That was… we were just…” He shook his head with another laugh, bordering on hysterical. “We can’t do this.”

“Because of her?” Jude asked, frowning. “Mikala? Because she’s your girlfriend?”

He gave an exasperated sigh. “She is not my–” he cut himself off and shook his head. “No. This has nothing to do with her. This is about you and me.”

She leaned in, close to his ear again, moaned “I want you,” but he pushed her away.

“Jude, no! Look, I’ve been drinking, you’re fucking rolling, this is _not_ a good idea. We can’t do this. I’m not going to—Jesus, Jude—I’m not going to rub off against your ass on the dance floor of some fucking nightclub. That’s so…” He shook his head. “That’s the complete opposite of everything I ever…” He let out a growl of frustration, banging his hands against the bar. “Goddammit! You and me,” he said fiercely, turning and looking into her eyes, “we were _real_. I loved you so _goddamn_ much. What we had? I never had that with anyone before, and I never will again. That was _sacred,_ that was _everything_. You will _not_ turn us into some cheap, dirty tour hookup you’re too high to remember. I won’t let you.” He practically growled the last part.

Jude was staring at him, wide-eyed, shocked. “I just… Tommy, I didn’t know you were going to be here, if I’d known, I wouldn’t have… I wasn’t trying to…”

“You know what? Save it.” he snapped. “I shouldn’t have come here. I can’t believe I was so fucking stupid.” He stood up from the bar and started to walk towards the door.

“Tommy!” Jude cried, grabbing his hand. “Wait!”

He pulled his hand out of hers and turned back to her. “Don’t!” he shouted. Her eyes were wide and filled with tears, but he didn’t care, he was so furious. “You know? You were right about one thing,” he said venomously. “You are not the Jude I knew.” He knew, even then, that he’d regret all of this later, that he was so far out of line to judge her for just acting like the young, eager superstar she was, that he had been too, at her age. He knew that the stunned, hurt look on her face was going to haunt him, but he still turned and walked out without looking back.


	4. Chapter 4

Tommy had seen the texts come in, seen the repeated alerts with Jude’s name, but had ignored them. When she called for the second time, Kwest paused the video game they were playing, raising his eyebrows and gesturing at the phone where it sat on Tommy’s coffee table. “You gonna get that?” he asked.

Tommy shook his head. “It’s nothing.”

“It’s a girl?” Kwest guessed.

“Uh, yeah,” he admitted with a shrug.

“Don’t be cruel, T, I’ve seen you ignoring all these texts tonight.”

“It’s not like that, man.”

“Oh.” Kwest nodded knowingly. “It’s Mikala?”

Tommy sighed. He had broken things off with Mikala a week ago, the night after the whole Jude fiasco, and she hadn’t taken it well when he told her things were getting too serious for him. In retrospect, using the words “I’m not going to be tied down” had been a dick move, and a big mistake. She’d narrowed her eyes and hissed with uncharacteristic venom that he was an emotionally stunted child in the body of an adult, and that if he kept trying to play the ladies’ man, by the time he was 30, girls like her wouldn’t even throw him a pity fuck. It had been harsh, but she wasn’t wrong. That was the worst part. He knew she was right, and he himself was honestly beyond tired of the hookups. He’d been sick of casual for a long time. The problem was, he’d lost the one woman with whom he’d ever been able to see a true future, and he couldn’t honestly believe there’d ever be anyone else. You only get one soulmate, and Jude was his. 

“It’s not Mikala,” he said to Kwest finally, shaking his head. Kwest knew about what happened with Mikala, but not about Jude. Tommy had mentioned that he’d gone to her concert, briefly described their conversation, and claimed he’d gone straight home after. Kwest clearly suspected that something more had happened, but he’d known Tommy long enough to know that pushing would only make him angry, not actually get anything out of him. “Unpause it already, I was winning.” Tommy gestured to the TV with his controller.

Kwest had set his own controller down and was frowning at him. “So if it’s not Mikala, then you’re telling me you’ve already got some other desperate chick on the hook? God, you can be such a dick, man.”

“Hey! Whoa, out of line!”

“I call ‘em like I see ‘em. What you do to these women isn’t right. And it isn’t good for you, either.”

“What I _do_ to these women?” Tommy repeated incredulously. “You’ve got to be kidding me. Since when are one-night stands considered cruelty? Back the hell off, Kwest. It’s not like I’m lying to anyone. They know what they’re getting into.”

“No they don’t,” Kwest scoffed. “Please. For the past year you’ve been coming at girls with this whole wounded puppy thing. You encourage them, T! You let them think they can fucking fix you, that they’re gonna be the one to finally make you settle down or some shit.”

“If woman assumes something stupid like that just because of a hookup, that’s on her, not on me!” Tommy protested.

“These aren’t one-night stands, man. I mean, look at Mikala. You don’t go out with a girl two, three, four times a week for _months_ and still get to pretend that’s casual. She was staying over a couple nights a week but the second she uses the word ‘girlfriend’ you’re out the door?”

“This is none of your business! Besides, it’s not like _you_ haven’t gone out with a string of girls since Sadie. You and me are exactly the same.”

Kwest rolled his eyes. “Don’t try that weak shit with me. You know that’s different. I’ve _dated_ girls, okay? Just because those relationships—because that’s what they were, T, _relationships_ —haven’t worked out, you don’t get to compare me to you and the girls you drag along ’til you get bored of them.”

“Back off!” Tommy shouted. “What I do is not your fucking business.”

“I’m concerned about you!” Kwest protested.

“You have a funny way of showing it! Calling me a dick, accusing me of being cruel–”

“You’re being cruel to yourself, too, T.” Tommy rolled his eyes and Kwest sighed, his voice quieter when he spoke again. “I’m serious, man. Maybe the reason you’re letting these girls think they can fix you is because you want to believe they _can_ fix you. But that’s bullshit, okay? No one can fix you if you don’t want to change. You want to make a change you’ve got to make it yourself. I thought you had finally learned that with–” he broke off before saying her name, but it was too late. He sighed, and they were silent for a minute.

“Because that worked out so well, right?” Tommy said bitterly.

“I’m sorry.” Kwest said quietly. “I shouldn’t have brought Jude into it, that was out of line. I know how much that whole thing sucked for you.”

He didn’t have to bring Jude into it, Tommy thought, because she was already in it. Everything, all of this, his entire fucking life, it seemed, in the end it all came back to Jude. “Whatever,” was all he said, rolling his eyes.

“But seriously, Tommy, you can’t do this to yourself. A bunch of meaningless hookups was one thing ten years ago, but man, you’re 26. You just can’t keep everyone at arm’s length all the time, you have to let some of them get close to you. I think you _want_ to let people in. The way you treated Mikala proves that, because otherwise you wouldn’t have let that go on as long as you did, but you still stopped just short of an actual commitment.”

“What was I supposed to do, Kwest?” Tommy snapped. “Lie to her? Act like I could ever be in love with her when I fucking know that’s not true?”

“Then _that’s_ when you break it off. The moment you know for sure there’s no chance of something real, you pull out, and you end things completely. You don’t let a girl wallow in limbo for months wondering if you’re ever going to commit. It’s not right.”

“You don’t think I know that?” he snapped. His phone rang again and he groaned.

“If you know that, then answer your damn phone! Don’t leave whoever this girl is hanging.” He reached out for the phone, and Tommy hit his hand away. 

“Don’t,” he said sharply.

“Clearly you’ve done a fucking number on this poor girl if she’s calling you this many times.” Kwest sounded angry again, and reached for Tommy’s phone again just as it stopped ringing.

“It’s Jude!” Tommy cried, finally. “It’s Jude, okay? She’s the one whose been texting and calling, and _that_ is why I haven’t answered. You happy?”

Kwest looked stunned, pulling his hand back. “Oh, shit,” he breathed. “Jude’s calling you?”

“Yeah.” Tommy said with a sigh, shutting his eyes.

“Something happened last week with you two, didn’t it?” Tommy just sighed again, leaning back against the couch and putting his hands over his face. “You hooked up with her?” Kwest guessed.

Tommy shook his head and looked back at Kwest. “No, I didn’t.”

“That’s why you broke it off with Mikala.”

“It’s not that simple.”

“You did, didn’t you? You and Jude hooked up.” Kwest whistled. “Damn. And now you’re ignoring her calls?”

“We _didn’t,_ ” Tommy said emphatically. “I did not sleep with Jude.”

Kwest looked dubious. “But something happened between you, right? What was it? A kiss?”

“Something like that,” Tommy muttered.

“And then you, what, told her to pretend it never happened?” Tommy actually flinched at that, and Kwest apologized. “Sorry, sorry. I didn’t mean that.”

“She lives in _London_ , man, and besides, she’s…” He shook his head and didn’t continue.

“But that _is_ why you ended it with Mikala,” Kwest said, eyebrows raised. “You just said you knew you could never be in love with her. Jesus, man, you’re still hung up on Jude.” Tommy didn’t deny it, because what would be the point? He squeezed his eyes shut. “Yo, T,” Kwest said in a low voice, “it’s been like a year and a half.”

“A little over four months,” Tommy muttered.

“That’s really not healthy, Tommy. You need to–”

“You don’t think I fucking know that?” Tommy cut him off. “You don’t think I know I need to get over her? You don’t think that’s what I’ve been fucking trying to do? This isn’t my fault, Kwest!” To his horror, his voice broke. He let out a frustrated sigh, leaning forward and putting his head in his hands, pressing the heels of his palms against his eyes.

“Why is she calling?”

“Hell if I know,” Tommy muttered. “Didn’t read the texts.”

“You opened that door again last week, didn’t you? Did you leave it open?”

Tommy thought of Jude’s shocked, hurt expression and felt sick. “No, I didn’t. If anything, I slammed it in her face.”

“Shit, T.”

“I’m worried about her,” Tommy said softly after a moment, still looking down at the floor. “She didn’t seem… like herself.”

“I mean, it’s been a long time, I’m sure she’s changed.”

“It’s not that, it’s…” He shook his head and looked up at Kwest. “Well, you saw her, right? When she was here? How did she seem to you?”

Kwest seemed to ponder that for a moment. “I don’t know.” He shrugged. “She came to NBR and hung out for a little. She seemed fine. Definitely older, but in a good way. She worked with me and Jamie on a song of Spiederman’s for a while. That girl’s taken the production stuff to another level for sure.” He smiled fondly, then looked back at Tommy and frowned. “I don’t know. She seemed good. And obviously her career is really taking off.”

Tommy thought of the Jude he’d seen on stage, radiant and strong and totally in her element, so beautiful it took his breath away. _That_ had been his Jude, only older, more confident, having been able to spread her wings. It was what he’d always wanted for her, what he’d let her go so she could have. But the Jude in the club, flushed cheeks and dark eyeliner and a short skirt, rolling hard on ecstasy and using her body like a weapon, that woman was a stranger. Except she wasn’t exactly a stranger. She was hundreds of girls he’d known over the years. She was _him_ in his Boyz Attack days. He could remember how it felt at the height of it, to be young and famous and feeling invincible. He remembered the feel of loud music and the press of bodies around him and any girl he wanted. That was the problem, he knew how it felt. He remembered the high, and he remembered the crash, too.

He had been silent for a long time, thinking, and finally Kwest said, “Do you think maybe you’re trying to hold on to someone who never really existed?”

Tommy looked up, confused. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I mean that maybe you’ve idealized her. Maybe Jude’s not what’s different, maybe it’s your memories of her that you’re changing.”

“No.” Tommy sighed, shaking his head. “No, it’s not that, it’s… Man, she’s… I went out with her and her band, okay? It was… She was high.”

Kwest raised his eyebrows. “Yo, you’re saying you think she’s addicted to something? What, like, heroin? Coke?”

“No, no. It was just ecstasy, as far as I know, and I don’t think she does it all the time. It’s not that I think she’s an addict, it’s just… That wasn’t her, Kwest.”

He frowned for a second, then shrugged. “Well, maybe it’s her now.”

“That lifestyle, it’s… it can be toxic. You remember what it was like.”

“It’s also _fun_ , T.”

Tommy looked up at Kwest, surprised. “What?”

“I mean, the girl’s 20 years old. And you’re the last person I’d ever expect to judge someone for partying.”

“It’s not about judging anyone,” he insisted. “It’s just, you and I have both seen this industry crush people, chew them up and spit them out. I don’t want to see that happen to Jude.”

“Jude’s not Angie,” Kwest said quietly.

Tommy’s jaw clenched. “I know that.”

“And she’s not you either,” he added. Tommy just sighed and Kwest continued, “I get that you want to protect her, but that’s really not your job.”

“I _know_ that,” Tommy said again, quieter this time.

Kwest was quiet for a moment, frowning, then he said, “The way I see it, it’s not just that you’re trying to protect her because you don’t want to see her hurt, you’re also trying to protect some ideal of who she was. But man, she was _young_ when you were together.”

Tommy frowned, crossing his arms. “What exactly are you accusing me of, here?”

“No accusing, just pointing it out. She was young and totally inexperienced, and I think you liked her that way. It made her different from all the other women in your life, right? I’m not saying you didn’t love her for real, I’m just saying I think you also loved that innocence. It’s part of why you thought she could save you from your past.”

“Don’t come at me with psychobabble bullshit, Kwest,” he snapped. “If I wanted to be psychoanalyzed, I‘d see a shrink.”

Kwest shrugged. “Maybe you should.”

“Shut up.” Tommy rolled his eyes.

Kwest put his hands up in a gesture of surrender. “Just saying.” He sighed. “Look. The point is, you have to let her live her own life. It’s why she left. She’s young, she needs to make her own mistakes and figure her own shit out. You need to let go. For her sake and for yours.”

“I. Am _trying_.” Tommy growled, frustrated.

“I know,” Kwest said with a sigh. “I know you are, man.” He was quiet for a second before saying, “Look, if you’re really worried about her, maybe you can talk to Sadie or something. But Jude’s a big girl, she’s always had pretty good instincts, I think she can handle it.” Tommy looked down at his phone, and then back up at Kwest, raising his eyebrows, and Kwest shook his head. “I don’t know. I guess it’s up to you if you want to call her back or not. If she’s really in a bad way, maybe you should, but you have to decide if it’s going to be worth the aftermath.” Kwest looked down at his own phone then and said “You know what, T, it’s getting kind of late, I think maybe I’m going to head out.” Tommy raised his eyebrows. It wasn’t even 9 PM. Kwest shrugged. “I told Jamie I’d stop by the studio and finish some stuff up.”

Tommy nodded slowly. “Sure thing.” He understood what Kwest was doing, giving him time alone to think over what they’d talked about, and to call Jude, if he decided to do so.

Kwest stood up from the chair, grabbing his jacket. “I’ll see you later, Tommy.” He clapped a hand on Tommy’s shoulder as he walked past him, giving him a somewhat sad smile. When he was nearly at the front door he turned back and said “Yo, sorry I called you a dick.”

Tommy rolled his eyes, but laughed in spite of himself. “You were just telling it like it is, man.”

.

After Kwest left, Tommy finally read Jude’s text messages, and his heart sank. _“i know you dont want to talk to me but can you please call” “i know you probably hate me but i really need to talk” “please tommy” “i dont know who else to talk to i need you to answer please” “im so sorry” “please dont hate me”_ He took a deep breath and let it out in a sigh, looking at her contact on his screen and trying to convince himself not to call. His decision was made for him when she called again, and he answered without even thinking about it. “Hey, Jude.” he said softly.

“You answered!” She sounded surprised.

“Yeah, uh, I was hanging out with Kwest and my phone was in the other room, I didn’t see you’d called until just now,” he lied. “What’s up? Are you okay?”

“Come to London,” she said. “Tommy, I love you, I want to be with you, please, come to London. Be with me. I need you here.” Her words were slurred.

“Oh, Jesus,” he muttered, then asked, “How much have you had to drink?”

“A lot. Too much, but that’s not the point.”

“Jude…” he said in a warning tone.

“I know, I get it, this is classic pathetic stupid girl drunk-dialing her ex in the middle of the night, but Tommy I mean it, I need you.” She let out a gasping sob. “You told me to tell you to come. You told me to tell you I want you here. I want you here. Please.”

He squeezed his eyes shut and said in as soothing a tone as he could muster, “Breathe, girl. Tell me what’s gong on.”

“What’s going on is that I love you!”

His heart clenched, and he tightened his jaw for a moment before forcing himself to relax. “Did something happen?”

“No, I… had a stupid fight with Lucas, and Dan’s on his stupid honeymoon, but I have to go back on tour in a week and I can’t do this anymore!”

He didn’t know who Lucas was, or Dan, but he figured it didn’t matter. “Can’t do what anymore?”

“This, all of this. The music, the fame, the tour, I can’t do it!”

“Why do you say that?” he asked gently. “Your tour has been so successful. People love you. You’re doing really, really well.”

“Everyone _wants_ something from me, Tommy,” she sobbed. “I feel like I’m wearing a mask all the time and I don’t even know what’s the real Jude anymore. I don’t think there is a real Jude anymore. You said it yourself, Tommy! I’m not me!”

He sighed. “I didn’t mean that. I didn’t mean any of what I said. I was frustrated, and I said a lot of stuff I shouldn’t have.”

“But you were right.”

“No, I wasn’t.”

“I don’t want to be this Jude anymore,” she sobbed. “I want to be _your_ Jude. I want to go back, I want to be with you.”

“Jude…” he sighed again.

“I’m so sick of it. The parties, the pressure, all of it. I am so _sick_. I need you here so I can figure out how to be normal again. I don’t want to be a rock star, Tommy, I want to stop. Why is it so hard?”

“I can’t save you, girl,” he whispered around the lump in his throat. “That’s not my job. I wish I could protect you, but I can’t.”

“I love you,” she sobbed again.

He took a deep breath, held it for a long moment with his eyes closed, then finally said it out loud, for the first time since she’d left for London. “I love you too.”

“Then why can’t you come here?” she pleaded.

“Because that’s not what either of us needs.”

“It’s what I want!” she protested. “I made a mistake when I left.”

“Maybe you feel like that now, but you’re going to feel differently in the morning.” She started to protest and he cut her off. “Even if you don’t. You need to stand on your own. You need to figure this stuff out on your own. I can’t fix this for you, Jude. I can’t make these decisions for you. But I get it, I’ve been there. You feel like a fraud, you feel like no one knows the real you, you feel like you can’t get control over your life, and it fucking sucks.”

She was quiet for a moment before asking, “So what do I do, then?”

“You just… keep going. You keep breathing and you focus on the music. You try to cut out the drama, you try to get back to the heart of why you’re doing this in the first place. Take a break when you can, lock yourself away and just try to write until you find your truth again. And then you keep going. That’s all you can do, girl.”

She was silent for so long he started to wonder if maybe she’d fallen asleep until she said, “So you don’t hate me?”

“No.” His voice was gentle and sad. “Of course I don’t.”

“The way you looked at me…” It was barely a whisper, and he felt a horrible surge of guilt.

“That wasn’t about you. I’m so sorry. I think I was… trying to hold on to something that doesn’t exist anymore. Something I should have let go of a long time ago.”

“I don’t know what you mean,” she admitted.

“That’s okay. You just have to know that what I said, it wasn’t because of what you did, it was because of me, stuff that I’m trying to deal with.”

“I disappointed you. You don’t like who I’ve become.”

“It’s not like that, Jude. It really isn’t,” he insisted. “I just couldn’t handle… it was too much. I have this idea in my head of who you used to be, and… That Jude isn’t better or more real, it’s just different. I also think it all reminded me of, well… me, the way I was back in the day. That was hard for me to understand. But the whole point of this is that you’re making your own choices, Jude. It doesn’t matter what I think. You, living your life the way you want to, that is what matters.”

“I still care what you think. Not just of my music, of everything. Tommy, I’m a mess. You weren’t wrong.”

“No, _I’m_ a mess. You’re not a mess. Messy, maybe, but that’s always been true.” He tried to make a joke. “I’d be willing to bet a lot of money you have at least one pile of dirty clothes somewhere in your room, yeah?”

“I mean it,” she said seriously. “I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m all over the place.”

“No one has any idea what they’re doing, girl,” Tommy said softly. “We’re all just faking it.”

“Are _you_ okay?” she asked suddenly.

He thought for a moment, then said “I’m still trying to figure out how to let go.”

“Of me?” she asked in a small voice

“Of you, yes.” He sighed. “Of us, of… You told me you felt like you were too dependent on me, right? That’s part of why you left?”

“Yeah,” she confirmed.

“I think I was dependent on you in a way, too. You were the only one I ever let myself feel like I deserved to be happy with. You were the only one I was ever really all in with, and you know it took me years to even get to that point.” He can’t quite believe he’s really saying this stuff to her, but the thoughts, formerly a jumble in his mind, click together as he says them out loud. “When you left, I lost that again. I’m still trying to figure out how to believe that without you.”

“I tried to tell you so many times, Tommy, you never had to change to be worthy of me. You were always good enough, you just had to stop running away.”

He smiled wryly. “But in the end you’re the one who ran. In the end I was ready and you weren’t.”

She sighed and he expected her to apologize again, the same old apologies about how it wasn’t his fault, how she never wanted to hurt him. But she didn’t. Instead she said “Thank you.”

“For what?” he asked, a little surprised.

“For still being so good to me. For talking me down. For always knowing the right thing to say.”

“I don’t always know the right thing to say, clearly, but you’re welcome, girl.”

“I’m sorry I called you,” she said with a big sigh. “I know I shouldn’t have. I’m so sorry I freaked out on your head.”

“I’m not,” he said honestly. “I think there were things that needed to be said. I mean, you really shouldn’t make it a habit–”

“Because of letting go?”

“Well, yeah. But I don’t mind, this time.” He let a long moment of silence pass before gently asking, “are you okay?”

“I’m okay.”

“It’s a lot, the kind of fame you’re getting now. It’s crazy pressure. The partying feels like it helps with that, sometimes, but in the long run, in my experience, I think it just makes you feel more disconnected from what matters. Just try to remember it’s about the music, okay?”

“You too,” came Jude’s reply. It was practically a sigh, and it didn’t quite make sense in context.

He laughed softly. “Go to sleep, girl. Wake up tomorrow and try again, okay?”

“Okay,” she murmured. “Goodnight, Tommy.”

As he hung up the phone, he whispered, “Goodnight, love.”


	5. Chapter 5

Jude walked into the café just as Tommy sat down at the piano on the little stage. At the sight of him, an involuntary smile sprung to her lips. His beard was back, a week or so of stubble on his cheeks, and his hair was a little shorter than it had been the last time she’d seen him, but otherwise he looked just the same. She quietly took a seat at a table in the back, not wanting to risk throwing him off if he noticed her.

He seemed nervous, Jude thought. That was a bit unnerving in its unfamiliarity, given his normally cocky nature, but it was endearing, too. He adjusted the mic and smiled at the small audience, saying, “Hey, uh, so my name’s Tom. This song is called ‘Foreigner’s God’.” He cleared his throat and began to play. His voice when he sang gave her instant goosebumps.

 

 _She moves with shameless wonder_  
The perfect creature rarely seen  
Since some liar brought the thunder  
When the land was godless and free

 

 _Her eyes look sharp and steady_  
Into the empty parts of me  
But still my heart is heavy  
With the hate of some other man's beliefs

 

The song wasn’t exactly what she would’ve expected from him. It was slow and had a more folk sound to it than she’d have expected. She tried to soak in every word. There had been tension in his face before he started, but when he sang the nerves seemed to disappear.

 

_Always a well dressed fraud  
Who wouldn't spare the rod  
Never for me_

 

_Screaming the name of a foreigner's God  
The purest expression of grief_

 

He closed his eyes when he sang, and her heart squeezed. This emotion was real. He’d tapped into something, she thought, found a voice he hadn’t had before.

_Wondering who I copy_  
Mustering some tender charm  
She feels no control of her body  
She feels no safety in my arms

 _I've no language left to say it_  
But all I do is quake to her  
Breaking if I try convey it  
The broken love I make to her

_All that I've been taught  
And every word I've got  
Is foreign to me_

_Screaming the name of a foreigner's God  
_ _The purest expression of grief_

 

When the song finished, Jude found herself wiping tears from her cheeks. The audience was small and only half-paying attention for the most part, so the applause was scattered. She applauded hard anyway, cheering and standing up from the table. Tommy looked at her, bemused at the unexpectedly strong reaction. He squinted across the room at her, trying to identify the source of the applause. She gave a little wave and his eyes widened just as a man stepped up onto the stage and spoke into a standing mic, “Well, that wraps it up for tonight folks. As usual, sign up for open mic is at the counter! We hope to see everyone back for next week. Have a great rest of your night, everyone!” As the man stepped off the stage, so did Tommy, making his way straight for her.

She grinned as he walked up, looking astonished at her presence. “Hey!” he exclaimed. “What are you doing here?”

“Well, tour’s finally done, I decided to come back to Toronto for a bit.”

“That’s amazing! It’s so great to see you!”

He held out his arms to her and she stepped forward into them, giving him a tight hug. “I was worried I was going to miss you, but I made it just in time,” she said as she stepped back, and they both sat down at the table.

He was still giving her that same astonished smile. “I…” He closed and opened his mouth a couple times before laughing and shaking his head. “Sorry, your hair, it’s throwing me off.”

She laughed, her hand going to her hair, which she’d recently dyed red. “Yeah, I’ve been meaning to do it for a while, but the label said I needed to wait until after the tour. I always liked the red.”

“Yeah, me too.” He nodded. His eyes roamed her face for a moment before he shook his head slowly and said “I still can’t believe you’re here. How long are you in town for?”

“A month, actually. A little over a month.”

His eyes widened. “Wow. They don’t need you at Bermondsey?”

She shrugged. “Tour was really crazy. I haven’t really had much of a break in over a year, so they agreed to give me time off. Plus, uh, my contract is actually up for renegotiation. It was only ever for one album, and the tour was part of that, but now I have to decide if I want to renew. They’ve offered it to me, but I haven’t told them yes or no. They gave me six weeks to decide.”

“You’re thinking about not going back?” He looked surprised.

She sighed. “I don’t know.”

“That’s why you came back to Toronto?”

“Well, yes and no. Partly I guess I want to see if I miss London when I’m here as much as I miss Toronto when I’m there. The other part of it was that I decided to take your advice.”

He tilted his head in confusion. “Which advice was this?”

“It was something like… ‘take a break and write until you can find your truth again.’ This is the first chance I’ve had to take a real break. That’s really what I want to do while I’m here. I haven’t been writing much at all this past year, with the tour and stuff, and I want to get back to it.” She smiled. “Speaking of writing…”

He looked a little embarrassed, rubbing a hand over the back of his neck. “Yeah. Who told you about this, anyway? You didn’t just show up coincidentally.”

She shook her head. “Kwest. I saw him yesterday and I asked him how you were, he mentioned that maybe I should come here and see you perform. I’m really glad he did. That song was amazing,” she said sincerely. He shrugged and she said, “Hey, no, I mean it. I don’t know if I’ve ever heard you be that… real. It was incredible, Tom.”

He shrugged again, looking like he wanted to argue, to brush off the compliment, but instead he gave her a little smile and softly said “Thanks.”

“When did you start writing again?” she asked. “I mean, I know you wrote a little back when we worked together, but it seems like you’ve been doing a lot more.” She felt a little twinge of sadness. “Was it when I left?”

He shook his head. “I tried, then, but I think maybe it was all too raw or too much or something. When I’d try to write nothing would come out. At least nothing that was any good. It took a long time. It’s really only been the past six months that something… clicked, I guess. Actually it was, uh, right after the last time we talked.” 

“Oh?” She raised her eyebrows. He was referring to the phone call, her embarrassing, desperate drunk dial the week she went back to London after the first leg of the tour. They’d sent a handful of text messages since then, but they really hadn’t had anything that could be considered a real conversation.

“You said something, I don’t know if you remember. I said something about how you should try to get back to the music, and you said ‘you too.’”

Jude frowned. “Did I?” She shook her head. “I don’t remember. Sorry, I was honestly pretty out of it.” She shrugged, embarrassed.

He smiled. “I know. You were basically asleep, I think. But for some reason… I don’t know. I was in kind of a weird place right then. I was trying to find some way to make sense of stuff, to work through everything without being self-destructive. And I said focus on the music and you said ‘you too’ and I just kind of thought… Why not me too? Not just the production stuff, other people’s music, but my own music too. And I sat down and I just started writing. I kind of haven’t stopped.”

She gave a “hmm” and then said, after a moment, “I guess that conversation was sort of a turning point for both of us, then.”

“You mean about you deciding to come back to Toronto?”

“No.” She shook her head. “I mean, yeah, that too, but…” She sighed. “It’s kind of a long story.”

He shrugged. “I have time.”

“Okay so… This is kind of awkward because I didn’t ever tell you this, but I had been sort of seeing someone, since a couple months after I moved to London.” Tommy’s eyebrows lifted slightly, but he otherwise controlled his reaction. Jude shifted a little in her seat, embarrassed. “I guess maybe it’s obvious why I didn’t tell you,” she said quietly. “But, I mean, we also weren’t really that serious, especially at first, we were kind of off and on. I wasn’t really in a place where I was ready for a relationship, when I first moved, and then…” She shook her head. “Anyway, his name is Lucas. He’s a session musician at Bermondsey. He’s pretty young for it too, he’s a few months younger than me, but he plays… pretty much everything.” She smiled in spite of herself. “Like, it’s actually kind of insane.”

Tommy nodded. “I sometimes wonder if the studio musicians should really be the ones in the spotlight. A lot of really talented people are behind the scenes in the industry.”

Jude nodded too. “Yeah, if we went on talent alone, Lucas would have a hundred record deals. He’s taught me some crazy stuff on guitar… I mean, honestly, it was a little insulting,” she laughed, shaking her head. “That’s _my_ instrument, Tommy.”

“On which you never really had formal training…” he reminded her.

“Yeah, yeah.” she waved her hand dismissively. “Anyway, so, my drummer, Cassie, Nicola had her in mind as a good fit, but she was working with someone else at the time, filling in for _their_ drummer, and they were on tour. We couldn’t exactly wait for her, because the studio really wanted to release a single while they could still ride the publicity from my move to London, and from the basement song and all that, so they brought Lucas in. We started hanging out outside the studio, playing music mostly, and I guess one thing led to another. Uh…” She bit her lip. It was weird, talking to him about this, but he didn’t seem terribly uncomfortable or upset, though he did seem to be sitting very still. He gave her a small smile, encouraging her to continue, so she said, “I told him pretty much straight away that I wasn’t looking for a relationship. He said that was okay with him, so we were pretty casual for a long time. We got a little more serious for a while, we were exclusive for a couple months, and then I…” She sighed. “It was kind of a dick move, really. I don’t know what made me do it. I guess I thought I wanted… I don’t know. But, uh, before I went on the first leg of the tour I pretty much told him I wasn’t planning on…” she winced a little, “on staying faithful to him. I mean, what I said was that I thought we should see other people, and something about long distance, and tour, and…”

“First rule of the road?” Tommy said quietly.

She winced again. “Yeah. And I mean, he agreed. He didn’t seem too upset about it either, or at least he didn’t show it, so… I went on tour, and I… sort of avoided his calls. I don’t even know why. I was in a weird place. By the time I came to Toronto I hadn’t talked to him in probably a month. Dan never approved, though. He always let me know he didn’t approve.”

Tommy cut in. “Sorry, Dan?”

“Oh, right, I forgot you met Neil but not Dan, sorry. Uh, Dan is my bassist. Cool guy, chill guy. He and his, well, now she’s his wife, then she was his fiancée, Heather are this really gross perfect couple. They got married right after the first leg of the tour.” She smiled fondly. “Dan is really devoted or whatever, I mean, it’s sweet, but it also means he hates the whole hook-up culture a _lot_. He tried to stay out of my business, but he made it pretty clear to me that he thought what I was doing with Lucas was wrong.” She took a deep breath. “When you… left the club that night, I was a mess, I…” She looked down at her hands, folded on the table, and sighed. “But it would’ve been a lot worse, probably, if the person I’d found first hadn’t been Dan. He pretty much took one look at me and said ‘we’re leaving.’ He took me back to Sadie’s, but she was asleep and I told him not to wake her. I didn’t really want her to see me like that. It was bad enough having you so disappointed in me, I didn’t want my sister to be too.”

“Jude, it wasn’t like that. I didn’t mean to judge you, I was just–”

“I get it,” she cut him off, looking back up at him. “But that’s how it felt. The point is, Dan stayed with me for a long time, talked to me, just about Heather, and his wedding, and music and stuff that wouldn’t make me feel like my whole life was falling apart. But he also told me that he thought I needed to make a real commitment to Lucas, and that the way I was treating him wasn’t fair. I… probably should’ve taken that advice, but everything in my head was still such a mess. When we got back to London, I think Lucas tried to just pick back up where we left off before the tour. Actually I think he kind of wanted to pretend the tour hadn’t happened, because he didn’t ask about it at all, and he would get all quiet when I mentioned anything about it. The day after Dan and Heather’s wedding, he and I went out to dinner, and he told me that the whole arrangement between us wasn’t working for him anymore. He was just trying to say that he wanted us to be more serious, and it was totally fair of him to say I’d hurt him, because I really had treated him pretty badly. But he was getting upset, and I told him he needed to chill out, which was definitely the wrong thing to say because it just made him angrier. He said something about just not being able to handle the idea of not knowing, well… I think his exact words were something like ‘what kind of cocks you’re sucking over there’.” She cringed a little as she said it.

Tommy raised his eyebrows. “Wow.”

“Yeah, uh… He’s really not normally like that, he just… I had really hurt him. I guess the stress of trying to pretend that he didn’t care was too much after a point. But I didn’t handle it very well. I basically told him he was just jealous because I could, uh, get any guy I wanted, and I pretty much implied that I was too good for him. I said something about not wanting to be tied down, something about being more than happy to cut out the dead weight if he was going to act all clingy… It was too far. I went too far. But he’d kind of of hit a nerve. I kept remembering you saying that stuff about cheap hookups, and it was too much. He yelled at me, literally yelled, in the middle of a restaurant, that if that’s how I was going to act then he wasn’t going to stick around and watch me self-destruct. Honestly, it was just pure luck that there weren’t any paparazzi around at the time, and that no one in that restaurant took any video or sold the story. But I was so angry, and so confused and hurt, and… I needed to talk to somebody, but I guess I was afraid Sadie would be disappointed in me, and Dan was on his honeymoon, so I made the mistake of going to Neil. I mean, I really cannot stress enough how terrible an idea that was. And I knew it, too. Neil’s solution, which is also his solution to pretty much everything, was shots and sex with a stranger.” She sighed and shook her head. “Obviously I knew that was really the opposite of what I should do, but I think I was trying to get back at Lucas, and maybe at you too. I don’t know, maybe I was trying to prove you both right. So I did the shots, and then the stranger turned out to be gay, at which point Neil developed tunnel vision and completely forgot he was supposed to be wingmanning me. So I got in a cab and went home and I started texting the only person I really wanted to talk to, which was you.” She looked up at him. “I knew I should probably have called Sadie instead, or, I don’t know, maybe even Kwest, but I wasn’t exactly thinking clearly.”

“No.” Tommy shook his head. “I mean, I’m sure Sadie and Kwest would both have known what to say, but I think actually it was good that you called me. The timing of it, I think I needed to talk to you too. I hadn’t left things the way I wanted, when you were here. I told you, that conversation was good for me too, in the long run. It helped me figure out some stuff.”

She smiled. “Me too. You said something about trying to cut out the drama and it got me thinking about Lucas and just… who he is.”

Tommy tilted his head questioningly. “In what way?”

“I guess the story I just told you about him doesn’t really make it sound like it, but Lucas is an impressively calm person, most of the time. He has this ability to stand in the middle of complete chaos and still just stay very composed. So he’s the complete opposite of me.” She laughed, and Tommy smiled, though she noticed there was a little crease between his eyebrows. She continued, saying, “When I moved to London, everything was really chaotic for a long time, and being with Lucas, in the beginning, it was an escape from that. He’s really good at seeing through the bullshit. I don’t know. I guess it says something about how much of a mess everything was with me at the time that I managed to turn something that started out as an escape from the craziness into just another source of drama. But anyway, after I’d gotten some sleep I thought about what you said, and sort of about what it means to have a support system and let other people in. I called Lucas and I apologized. He came over and I told him about how my life had been sort of out of control, but how I needed to make a change, and I wanted to do that with him. When I went back on tour the next week, I think it was a little bit easier to remember that I had a life outside of the insanity of the tour. He came with me for a little of the European leg, and that was really nice.” She took a deep breath and said, thoughtfully, “I guess I’ve learned a lot over the past year or so. I don’t exactly regret any of it, because I think I needed that, needed to go overboard, needed to have that experience so that I could learn from it. But I think I was finally able to find some kind of balance again. You know, it’s like, you can party and have fun without like, blacking out every week, and you can be independent while also still letting people get close to you… And even if you have millions of people counting on you to be a certain thing, you can’t let the pressure make you forget to take care of yourself, because if you forget that then you’ll end up letting them all down anyway.”

Tommy laughed and she looked back at him, surprised. He shook his head and smiled. “Everything you just said is something it took me _years_ to learn.”

She smiled too. “You of all people know, Quincy, I am a very quick learner.”

He laughed again. “Fair enough.” His expression softened and he said quietly, “I’m proud of you, Harrison.”

She felt a rush of warmth at his expression, the look she’d always thought of as _her_ look. “Thanks. I don’t know if I could’ve done it without you.”

He shook his head. “I’m sure you could have, but I’m happy I helped, in some way.” He took a deep breath and said, “and I’m really glad you found someone. Is he here in–”

She cut him off, surprised. “Oh! No, did I not say? No, no, sorry, we’re not together anymore. That ended a little over a month ago, now. Sorry, I thought I led with that.”

“Oh!” he looked surprised. “I’m… really sorry.”

“No, it’s fine, really.” Jude waved a hand dismissively. “It was totally mutual. We’re still friends, everything is fine. Sorry, I really thought I’d mentioned that we weren’t together anymore. I’m not… I’m not seeing anyone.” She hesitated. “You and, uh, Mikala, you aren’t still–”

“No,” he said quickly. “Not for a long time. And really, we were never…” he looked uncomfortable, shaking his head. “Anyway, no.”

“Anyone… else?” Jude asked after a moment, wondering when he didn’t specify, as she had, that he was single.

He shook his head. “Actually I’ve been… I haven’t really gone out with anyone in a while now.” He hesitated, then quietly said, “Kwest pointed out that I have a tendency to use people—” he sighed and corrected himself, “okay, women—as a way to avoid facing certain things. I’ve been trying not to do that.”

Jude nodded slowly. “I don’t think I ever understood that before.” She tilted her head and looked at him. “I think you and I were always more alike than I realized.”

He didn’t say anything for a while, and they looked at each other, taking in all the things that were different and all the things that were the same. “I’m glad you’re back,” he finally said. “Even if it’s only for a while.”

“I’m glad, too.” She smiled, then her phone chimed in her pocket and she pulled it out. “Damn,” she muttered, then looked back up at Tommy. “Sorry, I have to go meet Sadie for dinner. But it was really good to see you. I actually was wondering if you’d do me a favor.”

Tommy nodded. “Yeah, of course. Anything. What do you need?”

“Lyrics. I’d like your help, if that’s okay.”

He looked a little surprised, but he nodded again. “Yeah, sure. Something you want me to look over?”

“Nothing specific, actually. I was more wondering if we could get together some time, work on some stuff. Don’t get me wrong, I loved my latest album, but I’m trying to find… I don’t know. There’s sort of a… voice I had before, something in my earlier albums that I think I lost when I went to London. You always got my best work out of me. Uh, if you don’t want to or if you don’t have time or whatever that’s cool, I just–”

“I’d love to,” Tommy cut her off. “My work schedule is a little intense, but let me know when and I’ll make it work.

Her face broke into a wide smile. “Sounds good. I’ll text you?” He nodded and they both stood up from the table. “It was great seeing you,” she said, stepping forward to give him a hug.

“You too, girl,” he said, close to her ear. “Thanks for coming.”

When they pulled away, she started for the door, then turned suddenly back to him and said, “Maybe I can hear more of your music, too?”

“Oh, uh…” He hesitated. She gave him a pleading look and he smiled. “Okay, Harrison. Sure thing.”

She smiled wider. “I’ll see you soon.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song is Hozier's "Foreigner's God"


	6. Chapter 6

Jude hadn’t heard Sadie enter the kitchen where she was sitting with her morning coffee, so she was startled when she heard her sister laugh and say “What are you thinking about?”

“Nothing,” Jude said, surprised.

Sadie looked amused. “You were smiling.”

“Was I?” Jude shrugged. “I was thinking about a song.” It was almost true. She had technically been thinking about a song she’d written the day before, though she’d really been more thinking about the man she’d written it with, the way they’d fallen into sync again over the last few weeks, the way he seemed to almost read her mind, the way she’d lose track of the hours she spent with him, look up and be shocked that the sun had long since gone down as they wrote or played music or even just talked.

“Sure you were,” Sadie said sarcastically.

“I was!” Jude protested.

“Whatever you say.” Sadie rolled her eyes and grabbed a mug from the cabinet, pouring herself her own cup of coffee and sitting next to Jude at the counter. After a moment she tried again. “So you and Tommy have been spending a lot of time together lately.” Jude just shrugged, and Sadie laughed. “There’s that smile again.”

Jude’s hand went to her face in surprise. She hadn’t even noticed the smile that had sprung to her lips at the mention of Tommy. She gave a soft “Oh.” Sadie laughed harder, and Jude shook her head. “Sadie, it’s nothing.”

“Nothing, huh?”

“We’re friends.” Jude insisted. “We’ve been writing together, working on music.”

Sadie looked serious again, suddenly. “Just like old times?”

Jude hesitated, then said, “Actually, no. It’s… different. He’s different. It’s a lot… easier? I guess? He _talks_ to me, Sadie. He explains his lyrics to me, he tells me things. He never did that before.”

Sadie raised her eyebrows. “No more man of mystery?”

Jude shrugged. “I mean, he’s still not the most talkative person I know. He doesn’t bring hard stuff up on his own, but if I ask him about something, he tells me. It’s weird, even back when we were together, I knew he was trying really hard to be more open with me, but it was always a fight to get much of anything out of him.”

Sadie took a drink of her coffee, looking like she was trying to decide whether or not to tell Jude something. Finally she said, “Since you got back into town he seems different.”

Jude frowned. “Different how?”

“Kwest says the last few months he’s been doing really well, that he’s found some kind of zen or something, but I don’t know that I saw that from him at work. But since you’ve been back he’s just seemed… happier. Everyone has noticed. He sings to himself at hospitality, he makes jokes, he practically gets along with _Milo_ which is some kind of miracle on its own.” Sadie looked at Jude and gave a little laugh, gesturing to her. “And he smiles like that when he thinks no one is watching.”

Jude bit her lip to stop her smile, then said, “I don’t know, Sade. Spending time with him again has been…” She shut her eyes for a moment with a sigh. “It’s been really, really nice. But…”

“But London?” Sadie asked quietly.

“Yeah.” She put her head in her hands and groaned. “Sadie, what am I going to do?”

Sadie reached out and gave jude’s shoulder a squeeze. “You’ll figure it out, little sister. You always do.”

Jude looked back up. “If I stay in Toronto just to be with him, then aren’t I right back to where we started two years ago? If I give up a record deal for a guy, what does that make me?”

“A hopeless romantic?” Sadie suggested, and Jude sighed and looked down again. “Well,” Sadie said quietly, “do you love him?”

Jude thought about denying it, but she felt the truth of the answer in every fiber of her, an ache in her chest and a tingle in her fingertips. She took a deep breath. “I’m always gonna love him, Sadie.”

.

Tommy pulled out his phone when it vibrated, and sent his reply to Jude quickly. When he looked back up, Kwest had set down his sandwich and was smirking at him. “Let me guess who _that_ was.”

“What?” Tommy asked, confused. “It was Jude, she’s coming over later.” Kwest laughed, and Tommy repeated “What?”

“Nothing. You’re grinning like an idiot, is all.”

Tommy rolled his eyes. “Back off, man.”

“You two have been hanging out a lot, huh?”

“Yeah.” He felt the smile spread across his face, but couldn’t manage to stop it. “Shut up,” he said preemptively, pointing at Kwest.

“How much longer is she here for?” Kwest asked, and Tommy’s smile fell quickly.

“Tomorrow’s her last full day. She leaves early Wednesday morning.”

“Damn.” Kwest shook his head. “Sadie said she still hasn’t made a decision about renewing her contract, though. Has she talked to you about it?”

Tommy shook his head. “Not much, and I don’t want to be the one to bring it up. I know it’s stressing her out, I don’t want to push her.” He realized something, suddenly, and looked back up across the table. “Wait, Sadie said?”

Kwest shrugged. “We got coffee a few days ago. And we, uh, went out for drinks last night. But it’s nothing.”

Tommy raised his eyebrows. “You and Sadie? You guys have been hanging out again?”

“Don’t try and read into this. It’s nothing, we’re friends. ”

_Yeah, like Jude and I are friends,_ he thought, but didn’t say. “You sure about that?” Kwest shrugged and Tommy said, “You want her back.”

Kwest looked sad. “She left _me_ , T, remember? Doesn’t matter what I want.”

“That was almost two years ago.” Tommy countered.

“She told me I wasn’t the one. She got sick of me and she left me for _our boss.”_

“Nah, Kwest. She and Darius were never anything. He hit on her for a few weeks, and that was it. It was nothing.”

“The point is, she decided I wasn’t what she wanted. Why would anything have changed?”

“People change. Two years is a long time. Just because she wasn’t ready then, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t make a move now.”

Kwest raised his eyebrows. “Look who’s talking.”

Tommy sighed and shook his head. “That’s different. You know that’s different. She lives in London.”

“Maybe. Depends on whether she signs that contract.” He gave Tommy a meaningful look.

“I can’t ask her to stay, Kwest.” Tommy said quietly. “If I ask her to stay, if I ask her to give up a contract to be with me, we’re right back where we were two years ago, with me holding her back.”

Kwest nodded slowly, then said, “But you love her?”

Tommy sighed. He thought about Jude’s smile, her voice, the way it felt to talk to her, like she was the only person in the whole world who really got him. Even if he hadn’t already been in love with her, he’d have fallen for her all over again this past month. He took a deep breath. “I’m always gonna love her, man.”


	7. Chapter 7

“God, I hate you.” Jude groaned as Tommy walked out onto his balcony with two glasses and a bottle of wine.

He laughed as he set the glasses down on the little round table. “Uh… okay, why?”

“This view.” She gestured out at his view of the skyline, the lake just visible beyond it. The sun was setting and the sky was glowing purple and orange and red. “I mean, seriously?” she asked as he poured a glass of wine and handed it to her. She took it from him as she said “You—thanks—you live in a freaking ‘Welcome to Toronto’ postcard.”

Tommy smiled as he poured himself a glass and sat down in the chair next to her. “Well, that’s why I chose the place. Costs a fortune, but it’s way worth it.”

“Do you know what most of my windows in London have a view of? Other people’s windows.” Tommy laughed and Jude did, too. “Seriously! My bedroom window faces out over an alley, and it’s one of those damn European alleys that’s like this big,” she held her hands a couple feet apart, “so I could literally climb into the window of the people in the next building if I wanted to. And I live in a _nice_ flat, Tommy. This is not some crappy apartment. My building has a concierge, it costs a damn fortune to live there. I have a crystal chandelier, no joke. I mean, it’s a little one, but still. But _this,”_ she gestured out to the view again, “this is insane.” She looked over at him and laughed again. “I hate you.” She shook her head and looked back out at the city for a moment, taking a drink of her wine. He watched as her smile fell. “Oh, Toronto,” she sighed.

“How are you doing?” he asked, gently.

“I’m freaking out,” Jude admitted, looking back at him. “I have a meeting with my bosses on Friday and I have to have a decision by then.”

He reached his hand out over the table, palm up, and she took it. He squeezed her fingers, and she squeezed back. “Do you miss London?” he asked quietly.

She took a deep breath and nodded. “I miss the city, the music scene especially, going to shows all the time. I miss a lot of my friends. But mostly I miss performing. Bermondsey has been really good to me, so good for my career. I don’t know if I can give that up.”

“So you’re going to sign?” He rubbed his thumb over her knuckles and tried to keep his tone neutral. He mostly succeeded, though it felt like there was a fist squeezing his heart.

“I don’t know,” she sighed. “Since I’ve been back in Toronto I’ve felt so much more… centered? I guess? London is great but…” She looked down at their entwined hands and said softly, “this still feels like home.”

He squeezed her hand again, then pulled his back. “I have some news.”

She looked surprised, and also a little relieved to be off the subject of her contract. “Yeah?”

“Yeah, uh…” He took a deep breath and then said, “Darius offered me a contract.”

Jude looked confused. “You mean he renewed your contract? Why wouldn’t he? You’re the best producer he’s got.”

Tommy shook his head. “Not as producer. I mean, I’ll still be doing some of that, but I mean he offered me a contract as an artist. To make an album.”

Jude’s eyes widened, and she stared at him in shock. “Seriously?”

“Uh, yeah.”

“Tommy!” she cried. “When did this happen?”

“Today. This afternoon. He called me into his office, said he’d found the recordings I’ve been making in my spare time. I thought he was going to yell at me for using the equipment, but instead he asked me if I was still interested in a solo career. It was completely out of nowhere.”

“And you waited until now to tell me?” she looked incredulous. “You didn’t lead with that news?”

“You just got here,” he protested. “And you’re leaving town soon, I didn’t want to make it all about me.”

“It _should be_ all about you! That’s incredible, Tommy!” She frowned suddenly. “Wait, you _did_ say yes, right?”

“D is still working on having the contract drawn up, and I won’t officially sign until I can read over it, obviously, but… yeah, I told him I was interested.”

“That’s incredible!” she cried again, standing up and coming over to him to pull him up from his chair. “Congratulations!” She threw her arms around his neck, hugging him tightly. When she pulled back she asked, “Who else knows? Did you tell Kwest?”

He shook his head. “Just you.”

“Why?” she looked surprised. He shrugged and looked away, and she said, “Wait, seriously, why? This is amazing news, Tommy!”

“It’s… terrifying, actually,” he admitted, without looking at her. “Jude, I’ve been out of that side of the business for like, seven years. I don’t know if I know how to do it anymore.”

“Come on, Tommy,” she said with a little laugh, “you’re the one who taught me how to do it.” She reached out a hand and turned his face gently to look at her. “I would not be the writer I am today without you. Your music is incredible,” she said softly. “Seriously, your new stuff, it’s… You’re the most amazing musician I have ever worked with. People are going to see that. They’re going to love you.”

Tommy pulled her into another hug, saying “thank you,” close to her ear. She slipped her arms around his waist and turned her face in towards his neck. He turned his head to kiss her hair. He couldn’t stop thinking how _right_ it felt, to hold her. How right it had all felt, being with her, since she’d come back to Toronto. There’d been an ease to it that had never been there before, both of them more mature, and on a much more even ground than they had been two years ago. Even in the best of their relationship when Jude was 18, there had always been a tension there, a fear that she’d some day find out something about his past that would send her running, the feeling that he would never truly be good enough for her, the insidious sensation that he was corrupting her somehow by being with her. Now he knew, believed, that she understood him, that she saw who he really was and all the people he had been, and that she accepted him one hundred percent for it. But, as usual, their timing was terrible, and in 36 hours he would lose her again. Unless… But he couldn’t afford to let himself believe that. He couldn’t afford to convince himself that she would choose him over her career. It would be selfish, unspeakably so, to ask her to stay. It was selfish enough how desperately he wanted it.

After a long time, Jude raised her head and pulled back slightly to look at him. She looked sad, and he wondered if she’d been thinking about the same things he had. He reached up a hand and brushed a lock of hair behind her ear, saying softly “I’m really gonna miss you, girl.” His voice broke a little on the last word.

“Oh, Tommy…” Jude said softly. She put a hand on the back of his neck and pulled his face down to hers, kissing him. Even after two years, her mouth on his still felt like the most natural thing in the world. Kissing her felt as easy and as necessary as breathing. He kissed her back, threading his fingers through her hair, his other hand on her lower back pressing her close. 

She pulled back after a long, intense kiss, giving him two more short kisses before stepping back. His heart sank as cold air rushed in in her absence, but she grabbed his waist and pulled him with her, keeping her gaze locked on his as she walked backwards the few steps to the door, sliding it open and pulling him in with her. She kissed him again as he clumsily tried to push the door closed behind him. There was a tinge of desperation to her kisses now, to the way she pressed herself against him. When she started to pull him in the direction of his bedroom, pulled her jacket off and her shirt over her head, he said “wait, Jude, wait. Slow down.” His voice was breathless.

She stopped, looked up at him with those big blue eyes. “I’m sorry. If this is too much, if you don’t want to, if us hooking up is going to make things too complicated…”

It _was_ too much. Of course it was. Of course it was going to make things too complicated. She was leaving again, and taking his heart with her. But no matter what they did now, that was going to be true. One night with her was better than none at all. So he kissed her again, and she wrapped her legs around his waist as he picked her up and carried her to his bedroom.

They lay together for a long time afterwards in silence, and he thought about two years ago, about the last time they had been together in this bed, the way it had felt then, to know he was losing her. He remembered that Jude and that Tommy, so broken, and thought how ironic it was that after everything that had happened, how far they’d both come, here they were again anyway, with her in his bed getting ready to break his heart. She lay with her head on his chest, as she had then, and he gently stroked her hair. Eventually he said, “I want you to know that this… It wasn’t me trying to get you to stay in Toronto. I would never…”

She looked up at him, pushing herself up on her elbow and reaching out to trace the line of his jaw with her fingers. She looked sad. “I know.” She leaned in and kissed him lightly on the lips.

He reached up to cup her face, stroking her cheek with his thumb. After a long moment he whispered, “I want you to stay.”

He could see the pain in her expression even in the darkness of the bedroom. She leaned in again and kissed him, harder this time. He wove his fingers into her hair again as she climbed on top of him, and they fought the future for a little while longer.

.

When Tommy woke, it was dark. He was confused for a second, glancing at the clock. It was just after midnight. He looked over at the other side of the bed, and his heart sank at finding it empty. He had known she would leave, of course he’d known that, and it wasn’t as if either of them had planned for her to stay the night, but he hadn’t expected her to sneak off while he slept, without even a goodbye. 

As he was thinking this, he noticed what sounded like music coming from somewhere outside his open bedroom door. It was faint enough that he wasn’t sure he’d really heard it, but he got up anyway. The sound of the guitar got louder as he walked towards the door and out into the hallway. A lamp was on in his living room, and relief flooded him at the sight of Jude sitting on his couch in his T-shirt, one of his acoustic guitars in her lap. He recognized the song she was playing as “Blackbird” by The Beatles. She started to sing, softly, and he stood in the entryway and listened for a while before walking in and sitting next to her. 

She stopped playing when she noticed him, saying “Hey, sorry. Did I wake you?”

“No.” He shook his head. “I woke up and thought you’d left.”

She shook her head. “I’m still here.” She started playing again. After a moment she said, still playing the chords, “This was the first song I ever learned to play, you know.” She smiled a little. “And I actually sang it for my Instant Star audition.”

“Really? Wow, I guess I always assumed you’d have done an original.”

She stopped playing and looked at him. “Yeah, I was planning to. But I hadn’t really had much experience playing my own music for people before that. I played everything I ever wrote for Jamie, obviously, and a lot of stuff for my family, and I’d also done a handful of school talent shows or whatever, but I’d never done something with that kind of pressure. And EJ was the one running the auditions. She wasn’t a judge at that stage of the competition, she was the one who was supposed to keep it all running smoothly and, like, comfort us before we went in or something.”

Tommy smiled. “Something tells me she wasn’t very good at that part of the job.”

“Yeah, not exactly.” Jude grimaced. “I could tell she’d already written me off. I tried to channel it, to just let it make me determined to prove her wrong, but I couldn’t help letting it make me nervous, too. It’s weird to remember now that I’ve played stadiums and stuff, but that audition was a scary situation. When I got into that room, looked at the judges… I was terrified, and I just froze. I remember Georgia being like ‘you need to sing something for us. Just sing something, okay?’ So I just started playing, on some kind of autopilot I guess, and Blackbird was what came out. I was so mad at myself afterwards for chickening out that I vowed to do original music whenever I could from then on if I moved on to the next stage in the competition, but I didn’t even realize the irony until a lot later.”

“Jude Harrison playing a Beatles song?”

She laughed a little, and nodded. “At least I didn’t start singing Hey Jude.”

“You’d still have won it,” he said. “Georgia liked you from the beginning. You were always her favorite to win. She used videos of your performances to try and convince me to agree to produce the winner.”

“Seriously?” She looked at him, eyebrows raised. He nodded and she said, “You never told me that.”

He shrugged. “We’ve never really talked about Instant Star. You pretty quickly seemed to want to put it behind you.”

She looked back down at the guitar and slowly played the first few chords of “Blackbird” again. “It seems like a lifetime ago,” she said softly. “That competition completely changed my entire life, but it seems so unreal now.”

“I know the feeling.”

She played more of the song, softly singing, _“All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise.”_ She stopped again, looking down at the guitar. Her voice was quiet when she spoke, and strained. “I can’t give up my music, Tommy. I can’t give up my career, not right now.”

“I know, Jude,” he said, gently. “I know. I don’t want you to.”

She looked at him, and there were tears in her eyes. “My career is in London.”

“I know.” His voice was choked, his throat feeling like it was closing up. He swallowed hard. “I get it.”

Tears spilled over onto her cheeks. “Tommy, I…” she trailed off, but looked at him desperately. 

He moved closer to her, putting a hand on the side of her face and leaning in to kiss a tear from the corner of her mouth. “Come back to bed,” he whispered, his lips brushing her cheek, then pulled back just far enough to see her eyes. “If all we have is tonight, I’m not ready for it to be over.” She shut her eyes and closed the distance between them again, kissing him before moving the guitar off her lap and standing up from the couch, pulling him up with her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: I’ve had this “Blackbird” headcanon for like three years with nowhere to put it. This chapter is a great victory for me in that sense. Also tbh I love this chapter because I live for this kind of angst.


	8. Chapter 8

 

“Hey, Sadie,” Jude answered her phone as she put her dinner plate in the sink. “Miss me that much already?”

“Of course I miss you!” her sister exclaimed brightly. “How are you?”

When Sadie called, Jude had been doing what she had been doing constantly for the 48 or so hours since she’d left Toronto: trying—and failing—not to think about Tommy. “I’m fine,” she lied. “My meeting to sign the contract is in the morning.” 

The image of Tommy came into her mind again, unbidden. The morning after, they had stood holding each other in the front hall of his apartment for a very very long time, trying to make the goodbye hug last forever. She had thought her tears were all used up, but she had been wrong, and she’d clung to him and soaked his shirt pretty thoroughly as he stood there holding her. When she had finally pulled back, Tommy had wiped tears from her cheek with his thumb and said, softly, “Sign.” She might have protested if she’d been able to get anything out around the lump in her throat, but he had taken a deep breath and said “I’m not going to be the one to hold you back, Jude. If you gave up your career for me, I’d never forgive myself. Sign, girl. It’s okay.”

Jude shook her head a little to clear it of the memory. “I’m fine. It’s weird being back, but I’m–”

Sadie, apparently unable to hold it in anymore, blurted out, “Kwest asked me out.”

“Wait, what?”

“He showed up at G Major, at my office, with roses. He said he never really stopped having feelings for me, and that he wanted to try again.”

“Oh my god!” Jude exclaimed. “What did you say?”

“I said yes!” Sadie laughed. “We’re having dinner tomorrow night.”

“Sadie! That’s… wow! You and Kwest!”

“I know,” she sighed happily. “I mean, after what I did, after I left him, I never really let myself think… But he was… He’s so… Ah, I don’t know what I’m saying, but I’m really, really happy.”

“That’s amazing, Sades.” She hesitated, then asked, “Everything before, though?” Jude felt a little like their roles were being reversed here, like she suddenly had to be the practical one to her sister’s impulsive romantic. “I mean, all the problems you guys had before? All the reasons you broke up with him? Can you be sure they won’t just come back?”

“I wanted different things then,” was Sadie’s answer. “Kwest was so ready to commit, he was talking about getting a place together… he was always so sweet, but so intense, and it wasn’t what I needed then. Breaking up with him then was what I needed to do, but… I don’t know. I’ve missed it. Missed him. Hanging out with him the past few months I’ve realized I regret letting him get away. I wasn’t ready then, but I am now. I don’t know, I’m getting ahead of myself but Jude, he’s… Kwest.”

“You guys _would_ have adorable babies,” Jude joked.

“I know,” Sadie sighed dreamily.

“Oh my god!” she laughed. “Talk about getting ahead of yourself! Damn! No glove no love, alright? I’m not ready to be an aunt.”

“No way, baby sister, you don’t get to lecture me about protection, okay?” Sadie laughed. “Too weird.”

“Then don’t joke about having Kwest’s babies!”

“Hey, _you_ are the one who brought up the babies.”

Jude got quiet, suddenly, then asked, “do you still love him?”

“Oh… I mean, we haven’t even officially gone out yet, but…” Jude heard her sister take a deep breath. “Yeah, I think I do. I don’t know that I ever really stopped.”

“I’m really happy for you, Sades.” Despite the truth of her words, Jude’s eyes had filled with tears, and her voice came out choked.

Sadie noticed and sighed. “Oh, Jude. I’m so sorry.”

“No, no, it’s fine! This is about you.” But she couldn’t stop her tears from coming faster and faster.

“I didn’t say anything before, but you… didn’t come home the other night. You were with Tommy?” Sadie asked gently. Jude didn’t respond, but she let out a sob, and Sadie sighed again. “Oh, sweetie…”

“This doesn’t feel like home,” Jude sobbed, the truth of it hitting her as she said it. “My friends met me at the airport, I went out to my favorite restaurant in the city last night, I went to a show with Cassie and Dan… It was all the things I love about being in London, and it all should have felt like coming home, but it didn’t. Not like coming back to Toronto did. It’s not just Tommy, either, it’s you and Jamie and Speid and Wally and Kyle and…” she trailed off, crying harder.

Sadie was silent for a long time before she finally said, “Then come home.”

“But my career…”

“Jude, you’ve got three platinum albums, and one that’ll probably be double platinum within the month, you sold out stadiums across the whole world… trust me, you’ll be able to find a label in Toronto that will take you. Hell, Darius would take you back. He’d probably _beg_ for you back.”

“But I… I moved to London to… To…”

“To spread your wings, be your own woman, be a rock star, I _know._ And you did those things. You’ve grown up so much, Jude. I’m so, so proud of you. You wanted to prove you could do it on your own, and you did. You killed it. So if you think London is where you want to be, then sign that contract, but don’t do it because you’re trying to prove a point. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone, okay?” They were both quiet for a long moment before Sadie said, softly, “Choosing love doesn’t make you weak. It makes you brave.”

.

Tommy was trying to write, but, as had been the case ever since Jude left his apartment four days ago, he couldn’t get anything coherent out. He was certainly feeling enough emotion to fill a hundred albums, but it was all a jumble, and nothing he wrote made any sense. He slammed his hands down on the piano keyboard in frustration and sat with his head in his hands. He’d been good so far, about not giving in to the desire to drink himself into a stupor, to go out and find the first girl who looked the least bit like Jude, to do whatever stupid self-destructive things he could to numb the pain for a little while.

It wasn’t fair. He’d moved past this, past her, or he’d thought he had, and then she’d come back into his life and torn it all apart again. He wanted to hate her, wanted to blame her, wanted to believe that if he relapsed back into the old Tommy Q it would be her fault. 

But of course it wasn’t her fault. She had been as trapped by her feelings as he had by his, and, after all, he had told her to sign. He’d looked into her eyes, seen how fragile her resolve was, that all he needed to do to make her stay was to ask. And then he had told her to go. Because he loved her, more than he’d ever loved anyone, and that was the right thing to do. But the knowledge that he’d done the right thing wasn’t enough to stop him feeling like he’d been hollowed out, like she’d taken his heart with her.

His doorbell sounded, then, and he considered ignoring it. He couldn’t imagine who it would be that his doorman would’ve allowed up, but regardless, he really didn’t want to see anyone. Besides, he knew he probably looked like shit, with his hair unwashed and un-styled, and dark circles under his eyes from a series of mostly sleepless nights. But when the bell rang again, he got up from the piano, running his hands through his hair in a half-hearted attempt to fix it. When he reached the front door and pulled it open, she was turning away.

He froze, unable to let himself believe that his eyes weren’t playing tricks on him. Jude turned back around at the sound of the door opening, and at the sight of those big blue eyes, he felt like all the oxygen had suddenly left the room.

“Hi,” she breathed. “Uh… I know I probably should’ve called.” He was still frozen, unable to process that she was really standing there in front of him. She fidgeted nervously with her star ring. “Okay, I definitely should’ve called. Um… If this is a bad time, I can–”

“What are you doing here?” he blurted out.

She bit her lip. “I… Can I come in?” She looked suddenly horrified. “Oh, God, do you have someone over? Are you–”

“No!” he cried, too loudly, then shook his head and said, more quietly, “Sorry, no. It’s just me. Of course you can come in.” He opened the door wider and stepped aside to let her into the apartment. He shut the door behind him and walked a few steps down the hallway, towards the entrance to his living room, then turned back to look at her. He still wasn’t entirely convinced this wasn’t a dream, because _how_ could she be here? She had gotten on a plane days ago, had flown to London, had signed a contract, and as far as he knew she wasn’t ever planning to come back. “What are you doing here?” he asked again. “How are you here?”

“I couldn’t do it.”

He refused to let himself believe that meant what he hoped it meant. “Couldn’t…”

“I didn’t sign.”

He felt a rush of relief so intense he got dizzy. “You mean…”

There were tears in her eyes. “London is great but it… it isn’t home. I couldn’t do it. I turned down the contract and I got on a plane and I came straight here.” She looked at him with wide eyes and whispered, “I came home.”

Without giving himself time to think, Tommy let his instincts guide him. He closed the distance between them and pulled her to him, picking her up and spinning her around once, kissing her with the full force of his relief and joy and love. She let out a small noise of surprise, but quickly wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him back as he set her back down. It took him a minute to come to his senses, and then he pulled back. “Wait, but… Jude your career, your music, you can’t give that up, I can’t ask you to…” Despite his words, he still held her tightly, terrified at the thought of letting her go again.

To his surprise, Jude laughed. “I’m Jude Harrison,” she said, putting a hand on his face and smiling. “I didn’t give up my career, I’m just moving it back here. Any label would be lucky to have me.”

He laughed, too, breathless with relief. “You’re damn right they would.” She kissed him again, smiling against his lips, and he kissed her back. He broke the kiss after a moment, her still pressed tight against him, and she pulled back far enough to see him, her eyes searching his face like she was drinking him in. “You came back,” he whispered, still not quite able to believe it. “You came back to me.”

“Always,” she whispered, bringing his mouth back to hers.


End file.
